Why Me?
by Glorfirien
Summary: “I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity.” A girl from our reality appears in front of the Stargate. Insanity Insues. Humor S9 Spoilers!
1. Chapter 1

**Why Me?**

Glorfirien

* * *

Summary: "It is my belief that I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity." A girl from our reality appears in front of the Stargate. Insanity Insues. Humor. 

**Season/Spoiler: Season 9 Spoilers! First 3 Episodes just to be safe! Definite 'Avalon' spoilers.**

Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

* * *

I have no frickin clue how it happened. 

One second, I'm happily settling down in front of the television with a big bowl of ice cream in my comfy pajamas to begin my Lord of the Rings marathon and the next I'm standing in some kind of big gray cement room staring through the glass at some kind of technical room full of shocked people.

Alarms start blaring and doors open admitting people.

People with guns.

Guns that are pointed at me.

I 'eep' and my bowl of ice cream becomes a victim of gravity. I jump back to avoid the chocolate splatter and fall on my ass.

"Don't shoot!" I shamefully scream and quiver like a girl.

A booming voice sounds over some kind of speaker, "Put her under arrest! Make sure she has no weapons."

I'm approached by two of the guys dressed in green and bite back a whimper as they haul me up.

I look up to the observation room to see a grumpy guy flanked by a yummy looking tall guy and another tasty morsel, both who are obviously too old for me but man a girl can look can't she?

Wait...what the hell is that?

That's not...

I mean...

It couldn't possibly be...

Aww shit.

* * *

Lt. Col. Mitchell shook his head, "Never a dull moment." 

General Landry glared.

"Well...that's never happened before." Daniel Jackson put in his own input.

The two SGC "newbies" turned to him in question.

He shrugged, "They either come through a Stargate, a quantum mirror, outer space, or Asgard transporters but they don't just appear. That's new."

General Landry suppressed the urge to groan, "I'm going to question her. You two. With me."

* * *

Okay. Breathe. You did NOT just see a Stargate. You didn't. 

No way.

You fell asleep drooling over Viggo and Orlando and are now in a sugary coma dreaming weird ass dreams.

"HEY! Bad touches!" I squeaked as the guards patted me down.

They left me in the small little room and shut the door.

I ignored the fact that if I had been dreaming those guards would have been a certain ranger and elf and would NOT have stopped patting me down.

I decided to continue my little delusion and sat down, humming, and lamenting the loss of my extra chocolate ice cream.

That's when the door opened admitting the three guys from the observation room.

"Just what are you doing on my base?" the oldest gruffly questioned.

"Base? What kind of base? Army? Air Force? Boy Scout?"

I grinned when that got a snort out of the hottie with the glasses. What can I say? I'm a funny kinda girl.

"This is no time for jokes!" the man fairly roared. Oookay. Angry much? This was just too weird. I want my elfies!

"Okay, I support weird dreams as much as the next fantasy lover but this is it," I muttered and pinched myself.

"Owwie!" I whined. That hurt!

I sighed stared at the bewildered trio. Closed my eyes, counted to ten.

Nope, still here and getting glared, stared and scrutinized.

I sighed and delivered, with a perfectly straight face and steady tone, "It is my belief that I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity. Why couldn't it have been Middle Earth? They have elves! Or Hogwarts! They have Snape!"

I groaned and started to beat a steady tattoo against the table.

With my forehead.

"Stop that!"

"Why? I'm here. In the midst of insanity. I'm probably gonna die or get snaked by the last live Goa'uld in existence. I. Bonk Wanna. Bonk Be. Bonk. Unconscious. Bonk"

I looked up at the hisses and gasps of disbelief.

"Hey...why are you guys here? Is one of you General Hammond? Or Col. O'Neill? I like him. He's funny."

This time the youngest cutie spoke up. "Okay. How about you stop. Tell us who you are, how you got here, and how you know those names? And the Goa'uld." he added.

"Okie-dokie," I said perkily to their consternation.

"I'm Cindy Cardenas. California girl born and bred. Nineteen years old, in my first year of college at UC Riverside. Social Security number: --. I was rudely interrupted while commencing my Lord of the Rings marathon by being mystically transported here, don't know why or how but if you figure it out let me at the bastard. I didn't know where here was until I saw that big ring thingy, ya know the Stargate? Hey, would this place withstand a nuclear attack?" I babbled.

"Hey! Slow down! How do you know about the Stargate?" Glasses-Guy demanded.

"I did say I wasn't from around here right?" without waiting for them to nod I ploughed ahead, "That's good because then you might give credibility to my story when I say that back home there's this fascinating Sci-Fi show called Stargate: SG-1 with this fascinating plotline based on the original Stargate movie. Hey! Waitaminute! Am I gonna like die! From that entropy cascade failure thing? That looked painful. I don't wanna die...and I wanna go home...I have a paper due for my Mythology class and there's a quiz for my War and Mortality seminar and my birthday's next week and I didn't get to say goodbye to my Mom and Dad!" that did it as I started to sob, "And...and I'm stuck under a mountain that's regularly being invaded without any ID or money in my pajamas without my books and my ice cream...I HATE YOU MURPHY! YOU BASTARD! YOU COULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN SOME SLUTTY LITTLE FANGIRL! I HAVE A LIFE YOU DEGENERATE ASS! PONCY BLEEDIN' POOF!"

My loud exclamations made the men jump and the guards burst in. I zeroed in on them.

"AND YOU! SHOOT ME! YEAH YOU HEARD ME! SHOOT ME! YOU'LL BE DOING ME A FUCKING FAVOR!"

The anger seemed to dissipate as I fell in the hard cement floor in a heap. "I wanna go home," I moaned.

I flinched and look up when somebody started to pat me awkwardly, "Hey...don't cry. We'll help you get home." It was the young guy again.

I snorted, "You just want me to stop crying because you're all too emotionally stunted to handle a sobbing teenager."

Still, I quickly wiped my face and stood, distancing myself from the awkward males.

"So...I gave my dramatic rendering of the damsel in distress. Who the hell are you people?" I questioned stiffly.

"Ah. I'm Dr. Daniel Jackson. This is Lt. Col. Mitchell and General Landry who is in charge of this base."

I blinked and curiously reassessed him. Guy looked nothing like Michael Shanks. A bit leaner with slightly blonder hair and darker expression. This guy had actually gone through all that crap. That's when the last part of his introduction broke through.

"Oh no. Oh no..." I started to chant.

"What? What is it?" Mitchell questioned hoping I wasn't going to cry again.

I stared at them in horror, "This is the new season! I got dumped in the new season? That's...that's just not fair!" I wailed.

"New season?" Landry questioned somewhat more gently. I guess he REALLY didn't like crying females.

"You know show seasons? Like the difference between the first and fifth season of Buffy? What people use to categorize the sections of certain shows...why'd I have to get dropped here now? Why not when Jack was General or Hammond! No offense to you," I added to Landry quickly "But I haven't watched this! I'm flying blind! I I don't know what's happening! I could actually die!"

"So what you're saying is that in some alternate dimension we're a T.V. show?" Mitchell questioned with skeptical disbelief.

"Yes. I believe I mentioned that. Pretty popular too. Let's see. Five hours of SG-1 on Mondays, an hour every day Tues-Thurs, and two sometimes three hours on Friday."

"Whoa. That popular?" Daniel muttered out loud.

I couldn't help but grin at my wicked idea. Hey if I had to suffer...misery loves company and I'm pretty miserable.

"Uh-huh. Really popular. I mean like you wouldn't believe. You have quite a following of teenage girls Dr. Jackson," that made the guy blush, "and guys." Hmm that had the opposite effect.

On the bright side Mitchell was coughing and Landry was hiding a smirk.

"Though of course, it sometimes seems to pale in all the attention that a certain Jack O'Neill seems to garner but lets not hold that against him."

Ooh definite frownage. Heh seems I've made a friend in Mitchell. Sweet.

"All this aside. Why are you here?" Landry questioned.

"Oro?" I tamped down a blush at their looks, "I mean...what?"

More looks.

"Uhh...I would say that given my arrival to my hysterical rantings that I am as clueless as you. Unfortunately," I muttered the last but still got some glares. Jeez sorry. Not much of a military person. Or respectful for that matter. At least to people who are fictional.

"I have an idea!" I held up a finger and struck a 'Eureka!' pose, which must have freaked them out since I'm in pajamas.

"Which would be?" Mitchell prompted.

"You all tell me just what's been going on and I'll make my way from there!" I said cheerily.

Okay. Bad idea. Sheesh.

"Young lady. We still haven't confirmed you're who you say you are and we will not be giving classified information to someone who clearly does not have clearance."

I shrugged. Fair enough.

"Okie-dokie. Ask me questions Space Monkey. Keeping in mind that my knowledge is somewhat limited. Heck I don't even know the year or President."

Daniel looked weird, a mix between disbelief and constipation.

"Unbelievable. A whole different dimension and still Jack corrupts young minds," I heard him mutter.

Was he twitching?

"Wait a minute. Who is your President?" Mitchell seemed curious.

So I told him.

I got some blinks.

Daniel shook out of it first.

"Okay tell me something only SG-1 would know."

I shrugged, "Jeez. I'm not a fanatic. I can't exactly act out every single episode. Now if you want someone to recreate Lord of the Rings I'm your man...er...woman."

Landry looked really exasperated. "Just start talking. Everything you know. From the beginning."

I grinned and nodded. Deep breath. "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was empty, a formless mass cloaked in darkness. Then God said, "Let there be light" and there was light."

"Okay. You're not funny anymore. Now you're just a smart a...leck," Mitchell complained.

I shrugged. "Teenager," I inform them à la Captain Jack Sparrow.

Okay they weren't amused.

"Okay! Jeez! Cultivate a sense of humor! Let's see...okay 1928 or so some guy finds the Stargate. Fast forward. Dr. Daniel Jackson is laughed out of respectable academia because he said that the pyramids were older than previously stated. I think there was some talk of alien landing pads as well? Anyway he's approached by someone...Catherine Langford I think, I slept through this part. He figures out the symbols on some tablet are constellations and then the 7th symbol which is the point of origin. It works with the dialing system which scientists have created including one Samantha Carter. Jackson joins the group that goes through the Stargate appointed by a General West which is headed by Col. Jack O'Neill. What only he knows is that should the place be hostile he is to detonate a bomb. So they go. Meet some Abydonians. Danny-boy gets married after being dragged by a yak and doing a pretty embarrassing chicken impersonation...or is that imitation...anyhow, Ra gets overblown. The rest of the team minus the newlywed archaeologist returns to earth and all is fine and dandy for a while. Until some guy named Apophis comes to the scene and starts making trouble causing the SGC to come into being. Ugg blah blah blah yap yap yap. SG-1 saves the day again. And again. And again. Let's see some key words. Uhh... Cassie? Jack kissing alternate Carter...wait it was the other way around. Umm... oh! Dr. Jack is a coffeeholic. Sam and blue Jell-O. Teal'c and Star Wars and Jack and fishing/hockey. Oh! And Daniel? Mini-Jack! Can I stop now?"

Daniel Jackson was mouthing 'Dr. Jack' with ashocked face.

Mitchell and Landry just looked flabbergasted.

"That still isn't enough. You could be a spy and gotten that information from stolen mission files. Do have anything more detailed? Something that would not be included in the mission reports?"

Jeez suspicious much?

"Okay. Umm in one of the first missions. Sam was traded to a warlord 'cuz she was pretty and she was wearing a blue dress. The guy told her that her eyes were like blue river stones. Then on the world where Pelops ruled the people lived for a hundred days and Jack got an STD from sleeping with that chick Kynthia and learned the importance of Carpe Diem. He wanted to play shuffleboard down in Florida if I'm not mistaken. Uhh...Daniel died because of radiation poisoning and ascended because of Oma Desala. The Harcesis child showed you the world where you blew up Moscow and killed Jack. Oh! Sam was a host to a Tok'ra named Jolinar and then Martouf had a thing for Sam because of it. He died. Then Sam's dad got snaked by Selmac 'cuz he was sick and there's that whole thing with the Tok'ra being really snotty bastards and Anise/Freya being a total Ice Queen. Teal'c's first wife died, he had some kind of feud going with some guy whose name I can't remember right now but I'm pretty sure he's dead. Oh hey! You guys were called to Tollana to act as some kind of defendants for Skaara and averted a Goa'uld scheme. Umm...Baal, the greasy bastard, captured Jack when he was abandoned by the Tok'ra named...uh slipped my mind, and was tortured. Daniel was ascended at the time and tried to pull an Oma and get Jack to ascend. Also, Teal'c has a tendency to say 'Indeed.' and do the eyebrow thing and Jack likes to call your artifacts 'Rocks'. That's it I'm tapped. No more inane facts kiddies!"

I groaned and put my head down.

"Oh no! Wait...one more. Sheppard and McKay? Those guys are cool! Hey wait...aren't you supposed to be on the Daedalus?" I questioned Daniel.

"In a couple hours yes."

Then he got the 'oh shit' look.

"Dr. Jackson!" Landry didn't look happy.

I outsmarted the smarty-pants with my immaturity! Coolness.

I didn't listen after that. Thoughts. Chocolate good. Legolas good. Glorfindel better. Umm...tell about the Aurai (or is it Aurii? Orii? Whatever. My appellation is better.) people? Don't tell? Tell about Vala and her funny bracelets? Nah. She's funny. Choices.

Oh someone was waving a hand. In my face.

"Yes?"

"Now what are we supposed to do with you?" Mitchell mused aloud. The question aimed more to his CO than me.

"Ravish me?" I answered innocently.

I couldn't help it. Their faces were just too funny.

"BWHAHAHA! Oh my god! You should have seen your faces!" I grinned and looked at the camera in the corner, "Think I could get a copy? Please? Walter-san you'll give me a copy won't you? For posterity's sake?"

You know I must really be wearing on these guy's nerves. Okay somewhat guilty now.

"Okay. Sorry. Stick me in a V.I.P room with a guard and a T.V. Does one of the nerds on base have the Lord of the Rings movies? Extended editions preferably? That'll keep me occupied for about 40 hours. Oh don't forget the chocolate ice-cream...just not the one that's decorating the gate room."

* * *

So, I was dumped into a drab room that at least had a bed. But no T.V. 

This was only AFTER lots and lots of embarrassing invasive tests.

Meanies.

Staring a four gray walls could only be so interesting. I opened my door.

"I'm not trying to escape," I said quickly.

"I'm sorry miss please return to your room," cardboard soldier said.

"But I am in my room," I told him, "Is there a rule that I can't open my door?" Wide-eyed innocence.

Hah! Guess not. I sat in the doorway, without being outside the room. The two-stationed guards changed positions and scrutinized me from across the small little corridor.

"So...My name's Cindy. Wish you'd tell me yours but you probably have some kind of stoic silence thing going. Buckingham Palace much? So...I'm an alien that came to Earth to observe your ways and record them for my people. Kind of like Brainiac just not with the whole genocide thing after."

Not a twitch.

"You know I always kind of felt a mixture of sorry and curiosity towards you guys. I mean on one hand you guys don't seem to get much credit even though you and all the other SG teams must make some important contributions. Then again some of those scientists are seriously cracked."

Was that a twitch?

"How old are you guys anyway? Married? Kids? Girlfriend? Fiancée? Boyfriend? Oh right. Don't ask don't tell. Me? I'm single. And definitely not looking. This nineteen year old college girl is happy to stay immature."

Was that a quick flash of disbelief?

"You thought I was fourteen!" I accused.

I growled, "That's just...disturbing. Why do people keep thinking I'm a teenie-bopper? I mean sure I don't wear make-up or show more skin than I hide but that's not an excuse! I tell you, American society is seriously whacked! You have T.V. shows where teen girls are portrayed by women in their twenties and teenagers play the parts of bratty kids. Gives people the wrong idea! Makes up an image that is wrong. Making young girls that they have to have boobs and hips while they're still going through puberty! Some cultures may marry girls at young ages but at least they don't show 'em off like pieces of meat."

Hmm...maybe they were getting annoyed.

"Okay. Sorry. Rant over. I'm really wondering which power in the universe has decide to screw with me. This is so beyond waking up on the wrong side of the bed. On the bright side I'm not being shot at, snaked or infected by some kind of virus. On the other hand...kinda bored. Not fun."

I sighed. This wasn't that fun anymore. I shut the door after standing and flopped down on the bed. I burrowed under the sheets, bringing them up to cover me totally before burying my face in the pillow to muffle any noise I might make while I sobbed.

* * *

I don't know what woke me up but I think it might have been the combined presence of one Lt. Col. Mitchell and the hunk of rock that had to have been Teal'c. 

"Aren't you guys supposed to knock?" I questioned feebly and tried to ignore the fact that I must look like crap.

There were no jokes ladies and gents. These people were soldiers and they looked it. I'm not ashamed to admit I was freaked.

"What do you know?" Mitchell questioned somewhat darkly.

"On what subject? I'm pretty good at Literature. Not so much at Chemistry." Damn my mouth is going to get me killed.

"I like you Miss Cardenas. You have a sense of humor. But you have information that could potentially save some people and I want to know what you know."

Okay. Time to get serious.

"What happened?"

"What do you know?"

I sighed, "Look just tell me!"

Nothing.

"I'll ask questions and you answer Lt. Col. Mitchell. Vala came?"

Nod.

"She gave you info?"

Nod.

"You went through the Stargate to speak to Myrddin?"

Shake.

"Vala and Daniel are married?"

"If you consider being stuck together by bracelets married."

"How are your fencing skills Lt. Col. Mitchell?"

"Good enough that I defeated a glorified scrap of tin."

"Find a nice piece of tech courtesy of the Alterrans?"

Nod.

"You about the use it in conjunction with Daniel?" Still trying to trip the guy up.

"Daniel and Vala have done so."

"Woken them up yet?"

"Vala flat-lined."

I sighed.

"You know how to wake them up."

Silence.

"Tell us." Whoa. Teal'c has definite presence.

"It's hazy alright! There's going to be a second time...you know the symptoms that Vala had before she went? That's gonna happen to both of them. You have to disengage them before they die because this time they're not being brought back."

"And how do we do that?"

I prayed that I was right in telling them this, "Dial the Gate. Anywhere. When the seventh chevron engages or locks or whatever, throw that sucker, the technology that got them in this mess to begin with, into the 'whoosh' wave of the gate and incinerate it or whatever it is it does."

"Why wait?"

"Damn well better wait!" I bit out quickly, "Daniel and Vala have to open a connection on their side or who knows what the hell could happen to their consciousness."

"I thank you CindyCardenas though I hope for your sake that you are telling the truth."

They left me hoping that everything would turn out for the best.

* * *

The door burst open and in strode an ice cold Daniel Jackson. 

"You knew," he hissed.

I just stared at him trying not to look guilty because I'm NOT! I'm not. It was for the best.

"I knew." I whispered.

The bracelet was off, I noted idly.

"Why?" he questioned hotly.

"Stop trying to make this my fault! There was no way to stop it!" I yelled.

"Forewarned is forearmed! Do you think we would have done it if you told us!"

"Stop trying to guilt me with that shit! And the clichés won't work either! It was the only way!"

He growled, I swear, "Who are you and why are you here?" his tone was deadly.

"You know that already Dr. Jackson." I whispered. Damn his eyes were accusing. "I'm sorry but it was the only way..."

"The only way to do what?"

"Let me ask you something. You say that if I had told you that you would believe me. I say you're a fucking liar. You know why? Because you don't know me or my motives. Your own curiosity would have made you go. And even if not someone else would have gone because the fucking government would have told them to," 'Hah' I thought, 'Take that you prick.' He looked away from ME this time. 'cuz I was right.

"You want to know why I didn't say anything?" I questioned him. He nodded.

"Because I KNEW with as much certainty as one can have in this kind of shitty situation that if you and Vala went when you went that all that crap would happen but that you would be back ALIVE. Don't delude yourself and think that it would be the same for some nerdy scientist who went. Either way the Aurai would know about us anyway and we wouldn't have any idea who they were or that they were coming. You went and your curiosity got enemies. That was inevitable but now you and everyone else here KNOW you have enemies and now you are as prepared as you can get because all these soldiers just beat the Goa'uld into the ground. This is the best chance you have. That's why I did it. So please don't give me this 'what if' shit. It happened. Get over it and save the galaxy again."

"That's it? No more information on the future? Going to keep us in the dark while people die when they get here?" he accused.

"I don't know anything else!" I screeched and glared when he became skeptical.

"I don't okay? And now...now I'm fucking scared because there's no way anyone is going to believe me. They're going to use me as their scapegoat just like you're trying to do. I'll be the stupid brat who didn't warn them what would happen and who won't give them any more information. So forgive me if I'm not exactly happy okay? I'm probably going to be interrogated and even if they let me go...hah they won't let me go, and I'm not going home. I'm killing hope right now...ú-chebin estel anim."

Was that guilt? Or pity? Whatever.

"Please leave."

I didn't look up, "Dr. Jackson? Say 'hi' for me."

A pause of confusion, waiting for me to explain maybe, and then the door shut.

This sucks.

And the question which has been haunting my dreams and pretty much every waking moment:

Why Me?

* * *

_ú-chebin estel anim_: This is where my Lord of the Rings (henceforth known as LOTR) nerdinessshines through. This is elvish for: I have/keep no hope for myself. Roughly. It's half of what Aragorn's mother said as she died. She said "I give hope to the Rangers. I keep none for myself." A play on words because EstelHope was Aragorn's elvish name once upon a time since he is considered the Hope of Men. That was in the book. The line can be seen/heard in LOTR:ROTK and is said by Elrond and Aragorn. (Yes. I'm a nerd.) 

There will be lots more LOTR without actually becoming a crossover.

There was a Harry Potter reference. I am a Sexy Snape Supporter despite HP6 though I still say it's a lie!

There's even a Rurouni Kenshinism- The "Oro?" is all his I believe.

Self-Insertion is fun. And that's it. Fun. See. The genre is humor! There will be no smoochies between fictionMe and JackDanielMitchellSheppard etc. Unless it's a totally hilarious and nonromantic situation. Like embarrassment.

Reviews might be better depending on who is reading.

Suggestions for humor appreciated.

* * *

Next chapter: Who was Cindy asking Daniel to greet? Will our insane heroine (right.) survive? Forget that…will the SGC survive?

* * *

Glorfirien 


	2. Chapter 2

**Why Me?**

Glorfirien

* * *

Summary: "It is my belief that I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity." A girl from our reality appears in front of the Stargate. Insanity Ensues. Humor. 

**Season/Spoiler: Season 9 Spoilers! First 3 Episodes just to be safe! Definitely 'Avalon'**

Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

And if you don't know by now that "The Lord of the Rings", "The Hobbit", "The Silmarillion", et. al. as well as all the characters and plot devices contained there-in belong to J.R.R Tolkien then I fear for you.

* * *

Daniel had his own 'Eureka' moment as he strode down the halls of the SGC with Jack. 

After trying to forget the tiny twinge of guilt that he'd had after his rather heated conversation with their new guest he grabbed onto the first artifact he could find and translated for all he was worth. Which was a lot.

Then Jack shows up, awkwardness ensues and they go out to lunch. That sounds about right. Of course, then the end of the other conversation that blew up in his face came back to haunt him. And then, illustrating that while curiosity may kill the cat (or archeologist) it doesn't die with you (even after a couple of tries), he decides to take the subtle route. Who knows why? after all,Jack O'Neill and Subtle are **not **synonymous.

"You're here to talk to our new visitor aren't you?" he questioned as casually as he could.

"Why would you think that?" Jack inquired with all the innocence he could conjure.

"She says 'Hi' by the way. And I'm blaming you for corrupting her," Damn he didn't mean for that to slip out.

"Oh she did? And just how would I be to blame for any corruption what so ever?" this time a smirk. An all-knowing smirk that made the recipient want to slug the man.

"You know," Daniel said shortly. A childish argument but he definitely didn't want to follow that road. If those two got to know each other…his imagination couldn't even handle the possibilities.

"Yes. I do"

Pause. "What? Wait…you do?"

"Walter sent me a tape."

* * *

Okay, my constant guards had flanked me and given a tight escort into what I guessed was the briefing room. 

I resisted the urge to be a cheeky brat and sit at the head of the table. Instead, I chose a seat towards the middle, which didn't leave my back exposed to a door.

If they were trying to keep me off balance by making me wait and let my imagination come up with crazy ideas they were succeeding. Though, of course, I was pretty happy when I figured out that since this was season 9 there was no Kinsey.

That's when the door opened and in stepped a guy in full military dress. Pretty impressive. Oh! He had stars! Cool!

Eyes met. No soul mate vibe. Definite kindred puckish spirits though.

"General O'Neill? Two L's?"

There was a slight flash of surprised delight across his eyes but not his face.

"That would be me. Cindy Cardenas? Lord of the Rings fanatic and usurper of my role as Space Monkey aggravator?"

"Me? Never. I am but a lowly apprentice in the art."

Wow! He finally got the eyebrow thing down. Coolness! Maybe he'd teach me?

"I've been asked to interrogate you shamelessly," he deadpanned.

I grinned, "That is the perfect adjective to describe you General, shameless."

He frowned, "Have you no respect for the U.S. Air Force young lady?"

I shook my head, "None what-so-ever. I idolized the USAF until they passed me by for an award. All that worship went to the Marines who found my talents more than suitable."

"The Marines! No wonder. You are insane. That's pretty much what their ranks consist of."

"Oh and you're a paragon of sanity?"

"Hey…I'm a product of the cracks. No system is foolproof."

"So am I gonna die soon?"

"Nope. You were never born."

Well shit.

"You're kidding."

"Nope."

"Well that sucks."

He slid over a folder and answered my unasked question.

"It has info on all the people we could find that you told us about."

Yup, I had spent about an hour with some chick giving her my info and that of my family and friends. I knew I was probably staring at the thick folder like it was a bowl of chocolate ice-cream and the General, uh that sounded weird even in my mind, was giving me this sympathetic look.

I hate pity.

"So…Government pet? Is that my new job?"

Guess he gets me 'cuz he allowed the change of subject and ignored my possessive grip on the file folder.

"Nah…they already have a mascot."

"You?"

Glare.

"So you're here to get the Oracle to talk?"

"From what I hear you're all tapped out."

Skeptical snort. "Then to judge my level of evilness?"

"Maybe."

"I'll save you the trouble. I'm currently a henchman/minion to evil. I must find a mentorin order to apprentice myself and further my knowledge and experience in the arts of badness."

"Is that so?"

"Yup."

"I doubt that."

"Why?"

"You have a sense of humor."

"Aww! Why'd I have to be questioned by a man whose saved the world, been lied to and backstabbed enough times to recognize a good guy, bad guy and cheesy villain on sight? That's just unfair! Can't I break in a gullible newbie?"

"I was in the neighborhood. Otherwise you would have been tag teamed by Teal'c and Mitchell."

"I owe you a life-debt. Oo do you vant me to keel?"

"That's a really bad accent."

"Ze vwon wid de glasses? Ze so called ah Space Monkey? I ahm yohr fateful servant."

"Oh please stop. What was that? Russian? Jamaican? French? You have failed at any of the above suggestions. Oh and…just drive everyone to insanity."

"Everyone? I am now an equal opportunity annoyer? Shouldn't I concentrate on the big fish and the pompous evil prats?"

"Nah. Mouthing off to the bad guys will draw attention to you and get you kidnapped/ascended/tortured/dead. Besides you're not going to be here long enough for that."

"I'm to be put under heavy guard and transported to another heavily guarded facility under another mountain?"

"You sure you're not related to me kid?"

"Why's that?"

"'Cuz you sure can try a man's nerves like an O'Neill."

"Well…maybe on my mother's best friend's roommate's dog's cousin's owner side."

"Did you just compare me to a canine?"

"No but you did me the favor."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Not."

"Too."

"All right. A golden retriever."

"Really? That's okay then. There were no poodle thoughts right?"

"Terrier."

"Not-so good then."

"That's it!" The door was open and a not-very amused Landry strode in.

Two pairs of mischievous brown eyes turned to him in faux-innocence.

"What's it General Landry?" we inquired in stereo and cock our heads in exactly the same curious manner at exactly the same time.

* * *

Now, General Landry was usually loud and crotchety but that covered up for his sense of humor and softy side. Right now, his spine chilled and he felt no threat what so ever from the Ori. 

Why?

Because the threat was sitting right in front of him.

He reigned in the urge to call in the SF's.

"O'Neill."

Eyebrow.

"Off my base."

Tilt of the head asking 'Why?'

"You've made an unholy alliance that cannot be allowed if the universe as we know it is to survive."

"But the universe as we know it is no fun. What about the universe as a puppy knows it?"

"Never mind. You." He pointed to the mirthful general, "Off my base. And take her with you."

"I'd love to really. She'd be my successor in all ways sarcastic," he smirked at Landry's shudder, "And the President would really like to meet her too."

"WHAT!" Both men cringed. "THE PRESIDENT! I WANNA MEET THE PRESIDENT! OH PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE…Wait. How in Mordor does the President know me?"

"Walter sent a tape."

"Make me a copy?"

"Done."

"You rock."

"I've been known to."

Landry cleared his throat and glowered.

"But," Jack continued with his carefree tone, "They feel that she might be more use to you here. If she has some important little tidbit to share she'll be here to share it."

* * *

Okay, the guy was cool but I had to glare. Though I get that it probably wasn't his choice. Which is why I just used my puny glare and not my smart-assed comments.

* * *

You know…learning that your Stargate idol is just as insane as you are is pretty satisfying. Finding out that the President wants to meet you is pretty damn cool. Breaking Landry by founding an alliance with one Jack O'Neill…priceless. 

It just really sucked that Jack left soon after. Well not really but he could only spend so much time with his new..._acquaintance. _

The word is that the President got a call from a harried Landry demanding that he stop the alliance of evil.

It makes me feel all tingly inside that I was a cause to call the President of the United States who Jack informed me was a cool kinda guy.

Ah well. After that little incident I was taken back to my dreary little room with nary an idea as to just what was going to happen to me.

I had suggested, subtly of course, that I be set up in a nice loft in California where I could attend my own college. All courtesy of the government of course. I mean, it's not like I actually want to stay here while evil Ori (heh, I got my spelling corrected!) cause trouble.

Suffice to say I got a resounding 'No.'

Which I tried to point out was wrong because I shouldn't be kept on a high security and highly secret base without clearance. Besides, I'm the subject of a lot of conversations, which is bad. I've noticed that drawing attention to yourself in this universe (or kissing Samantha Carter) is not conducive to a long life unless you are a current or former member of SG-1. Which, obviously, I'm not. And I really really don't want to die. Or be tortured. Or face any amount of emotional, mental or physical trauma. 'Cuz hello! I don't exactly have health care in this universe.

So, I returned to my room and immediately got to the info in my possession.

It's wicked weird to find out what "could have" been. It looks like my Mom and Dad never got together. Dad's married to the traditional type of Mexican woman and has three sons ages 22, 19 and 16.Mom seems to have gotten hitched to a pretty well off _gringo _lawyer and has a daughter and son ages 13 and 7 respectively. Damn. That's fucking weird. I have five stepsiblings. My little brother doesn't exist. Shit, if that didn't get me crying.

That's not the fucking best part though. They're happy. I can't be totally sure but they sure as hell didn't have their sweet little set-up in my dimension/reality. Mom and Dad were always fighting, they never got married and I'm pretty sure there was some cheating going on. I guess that my theory that they only stuck together for the kids was right. Dad always did want a housewife like my aunts and Mom wanted a man who would put her up in style. It seems that the man I know as Dad has his own Auto/Body Shop. The oldest, named after my father, owns part of the shop and is married. Middle child, Andrew, is at UCLA and the baby Cesar is still in high school. Mom's kids are Elizabeth and Michael and they definitely seem to have inherited her good looks (which she got from her adulterous Spaniard of a father)which neither I nor my brother did.

Crap. This is not making me feel good. At least my favorite cousins are alive. Though not at all like my own versions. Letty is married and 'Leny is studying at Cal State Northridge.

I shut the files and toss them away. They're just making me feel depressed beyond belief. I sigh and decide to take a nap. Maybe this shitfest will make more sense after that.

* * *

Waitaminute. 

What's that?…T.V.! DVD PLAYER!

Are my eyes deceiving me?

Nope my glasses are clean and everything!

How the hell did it get here though? That had better have gotten here before I came back and **not** while I was napping.

Oh! A note.

_Enjoy._

Holy Elven Goodness!

Mmmm Glorfindel.

I mean whoa! Wait…wipe off the Glorfindel induced drool.

Oh man! Who the hell cares when it got here!

It's so beautiful…wiping off the LOTR induced drool.

"Sweet!" I squeal as I huggle and lovingly caress the whole collection of LOTR: Extended DVD's. This'll get me out of my funk.

* * *

So Arwen and Aragorn are about to share their achingly sweet kiss atop the bridge in Rivendell when the door opens. 

"Come back later!" I call without taking my eyes off the screen. Almost there.

Denied!

By the tall body blocking the screen.

I stare with all the condemnation I can muster at Lt. Col. Cameron Mitchell.

"You are evil."

He looked confused.

"You…You!" I couldn't even speak coherently!

"What are you talking about?"

"I I was going to be nice to you despite the fact that you invaded my room and went all Hiiro Yuy Perfect Soldier "Omae o Korosu" on me. But you…you interrupted Aragorn! That is wrong!"

Obviously he was unaware of the serious crime he had committed.

I whimpered as I stopped the movie and gave Mitchell my best pout. Honestly, it's not all that great.

"You know…you have awful manners. I should call up your Granny and tell her you've been harassing poor young women."

He smirked, "Miss. Cardenas my Granny would take one look at you and straighten you out. Make you into a proper little lady."

I made a face at the image. And the "little lady" remark. That's just patronizing.

"Okay. Sorry but please call me Cindy. Miss. Cardenas? So not working. No one ever calls me that."

"A bit too familiar don't you think?"

"California girl. We're pretty laid back. But I know you military guys have that whole polite protocol thing going on so I'll let it slide. Now, why are you violating my inner sanctum and keeping me from visions of elven goodness?"

"You're obsessed. You know that," not a question just a statement that doubted my sanity.

I shrugged, "Your point?"

Poor guy shook his head.

He stared at me for a long moment. A serious look on his face.

"I wanted to thank you."

What? Oh noo!

I repeated my thoughts aloud, "What! Oh noo Mister! I don't want your thanks."

He was frowning. Damn his cuteness.

"Look. I'm not supposed to be here. Meaning that you eventually would have come up with the idea and saved Daniel and Vala. I just sped up the process. So don't thank me for screwing around with the space time continuum."

He shook his head, "What possible reason could I have had to come up with that plan? Whether you accept my thanks or not it was you that saved them not me."

I almost choked, "Nonononono!" I babbled as he looked on in consternation. I was tempted to do the whole groveling on and begging shtick but that's hell on the knees.

"Don't you remember? It was a movie or a book or whatever that said it but you're responsible for the people you save! I don't want to be responsible for them! Are you kidding! Daniel dies every year and Vala is an insane thief with questionable fashion taste. Pleasepleaseplease say you saved them. You and Teal'c. Pretty please?"

Okay. That man is evil. He smirked at me. At ME and shook his head. "No way."

"That's pretty cold. I mean. Here I am a nineteen-year-old college student all lost and pudgy without any military training what so ever and you're putting me in charge of the most troublesome pair in the universe? I am so dead."

He chuckled while I groaned.

"Hey. You said your thanks what are you still doing here you fiend?" I questioned with my usual curiosity.

"Well I was hoping that you would join me for lunch," he grinned charmingly.

A little too charmingly.

I frowned, "Either you're trying to pump me for information, you want in on my plan of world domination or you want me to suspend your future aggravation. Oh that was nice, lots of assonance." I muttered the last part to myself.

"Can't it just be me trying to be nice to an amusing young woman who is a bit displaced?" he tried charmingly.

A little too charmingly.

(Whoa déjà vu. Hmm must buy thesaurus. Synonym for charmingly…)

If he thinks his wholesome southern charm is going to work…then he's absolutely right but let's not tell him that shall we?

"If you really felt sorry for me you'd smuggle in some actual food," I drawled.

He chuckled and I got the warm feeling I always get when I make people laugh.

"Besides what kind of idiot would I look like walking around in my jimjams?"

"You were the one who refused a change of clothing," he pointed out.

"Fine. But government food here should be better then the crap I saw on Super-Size Me. And I want my chocolate ice-cream," I told him as I followed him out of my prison...uh room.

Stuffing all family related mental agonizing into a little box in the "Must Repress" part of my mind I thought other thoughts.

After I started muttering, "Glorfy. Leggy. Gilly. Oh three Elly's." I decided to not think lecherous thoughts in the presence of others. Hah, like that'll last long.

That's when it hit me.

Not literally. (Though I did almost do a 'Doctor Jackson' and get knocked on my ass by some random scientist.)

"Fuck a duck," I whispered when it did collide with me. The idea, that is.

That got me a look.

I had been picking at some cold fries when Mitchell returned with dessert. Jell-O for him ice cream for me when he heard my curse.

"What is it?" he questioned with a look that warned me. Of what I don't know.

"It just hit me that I'm in another dimension."

He gave me the 'You're kidding.' look mixed with a little 'You're insane.' and 'You're pretty stupid.'

I choked.

"Eww! Are you trying to kill me!" I hissed.

Bemusement.

"Strawberry ice-cream? Urgh. That's just nasty."

More of the previously stated look only it had more of the third component mixed in.

I pushed away the vile dessert and went back to my first point.

"Look. Where I come from there's nothing supernatural or alien weirdness going on. I didn't come through a Quantum Mirror and this is a T.V. show where I come from. Now, unless the government released the story in order to make us more adjusted to the idea of having a Stargate, which I doubt, then this is not an alternate dimension or reality, whatever."

He interrupted me, I hate that. "What do you mean?"

I sighed, "It means that I don't think my home is on the same kind of frequency, for lack of a better word, as yours is. If you had a quantum mirror and went through all the realities I doubt mine would be there. It's because this is a fictional world in my world. Which has given me the theory that other fictional worlds can me possible. Meaning that **anything **is possible. There are such things as elves names Glorfindel and Legolas. There are wizard teenagers fighting a dark lord. Hell, there are vampire, unicorns and dragons!"

The immenseness of this revelation hit me just then despite the fact that Mitchell looked skeptical and I struggled for breath.

It's one thing to be displaced from your home and fall into a fictional program. It's a whole other thing to realize the magnitude of the universe, multiverse, whatever. There are innumerable versions of just one universe. For example, every single fanfic in existence could be considered a version of another and then any possible alternate could be compounded from choices that they did or didn't make. If in Tolkien's version of Middle Earth Morgoth rebelled against Eru there are probably billions of universes where he didn't and it was all paradise, where he did and he failed earlier or later, where he succeeded earlier or later or even where other Valar rebelled. And that's just one small possibility. So many choices and possibilities and little variables that are overwhelming my tiny human brain. It's like taking that metaphor that time is some kind of tree that branches out into different possibilities and futures and realizing that it's not a tree, it's a freaking FOREST! A forest of infinite size!

"Miss Cardenas!" Someone was shaking me.

"Stop shaking me!" I muttered and they stopped.

Screw it.

I burst into tears and grabbed onto the closest person. This shit is too heavy for a teenager!

I barely heard Mitchell mutter a simple question as he awkwardly rubbed my back.

"Why me?"

* * *

Whoa. Lots of notes so bear with me. 

This chapter was supposed to be filled with lots of humor since it had Jack. Somehow it transfigured itself out of my control. Especially at the end.

I was going to post yesterday, a very different version I assure you but you're getting this today!

The thoughts about different versions/realities/universes/etc. makes sense in **my **head which is good 'cuz they're my thoughts but not everyone has an insane thought process so if you don't understand, well it's more believable because it really only makes sense to the person thinking it. Heck, Mitchell needs clarification too. If you want further explanations, I doubt you'll get them, because it's a real hassle to find the words and organization for how I'm making the universe/time work.

* * *

I was so bummed that I only had a few reviews and so many hits and even some people who put me on their fav. list and alert list but didn't review. It made me wonder until I realized that my fic wasn't accepting anonymous reviews! I fixed that so please **_REVIEW!_**

Thanks to those of you who did!

**Queen of the Elven City**: If you read this chapter you'll find what I think of your devious little review. Honestly, giving me a heart attack with my first review. I thought it was a flame. Which would have broken my heart, my first flame should be longer and contain more spelling and grammatical errors. Thank you for your review and please realize that Chocolate ice cream rules. Strawberry lovers are delusional.

**Lady Rosebit: **I guess it is a little random. But there are a lot of fanfics in other categories where a character is dropped for purely humorous reasons without sappy romance. Of course, though usually include lots of pranks and silliness which I couldn't pull off. I'm trying to keep some vestige of reality. I'm walking a fine line. Thank you.

**Shilara: **Is it mean if I play favorites? You made me blush! I was happy the whole day because of your compliments! You definitely got me typing and roaring to update. And you're a LOTR fan? SWEET! A nerd as well? shrug I'm proud of it. As well as my geekiness and bookworm tendencies! Cynicism is the best! I dedicate this chapter's elfie thoughts to you because I'm on your favorite's list. The only one as a matter of fact.

**hh: **_Brevity is the soul of wit. _That may be true but in this case I would have liked anything more you had to say but since your single word is much more than many others did and I love you for it! Thank you very much from the bottom of my Glorfindel-lusting heart.

* * *

Definitions/Explanations! 

_gringo: _Basically, spanish for "white-guy" it's not very proper and can be considered rude/derogatory. (If you're really sensitive. 'Cuz believe me there are worse terms.)

_Hiiro Yuy Perfect Soldier "Omae o Korosu": _Hiiro Yuy or Yuy Hiiro or sometimes Heero is the character from an anime called Gundam Wing, I can't remember which version at the moment because I haven't exactly _seen _an episode (though I do read some crossovers) but I believe it's GundamWing/AC. Anyway, he's the pilot of a Gundam and was trained as the "Perfect Soldier" no emotions, perfect aim, etc. "Omae o Korosu" means "I want to kill you" or some variation of it like "I'm going to kill you". Hiiro usually says this to everyone he meets while he points his nifty gun at them, especially Duo. It's his catch phrase.

_"Glorfy. Leggy. Gilly. Oh three Elly's.": _Glorfy is obviously Glorfindel. Leggy is obviously Legolas. Gilly might be harder, he is, for those of you who didn't _read_ Tolkien, Gil-Galad the elven king, three Elly's refers to Elrond and his twin sons Elladan and Elrohir because obviously their names all begin with "El".

_Morgoth, Eru, Valar: _Morgoth is Tolkien's version of Lucifer/Satan. He rebelled against Eru, the one true god creator of Middle Earth, and went down into Middle-Earth to take over. Encyclopedia of Arda says: 'Valar' is the name given to the fourteen powerful spirits who took physical form and entered Arda (Middle Earth) after its creation to give order and combat the evils of Melkor (a.k.a Morgoth).

_Mordor: _Is where Sauron, the bad guy in LOTR, who was the successor of Morgoth, lived.

* * *

Last thing, though this is a self-insertion it isn't exactly accurate. So, if you think that by reading this 'fic you have me pegged then you don't. It's a mix of truth and fabrications that make CharacterMe interesting. 

If you're lost on the LOTR quotes/references don't worry because I'll explain them. I'd be more worried about the future anime and movie quotes/references.

Remember, you have no excuse now so REVIEW!

* * *

Glorfirien

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

**Why Me?**

Glorfirien

* * *

Summary: "It is my belief that I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity." A girl from our reality appears in front of the Stargate. Insanity Ensues. Humor. 

**Season/Spoiler: Season 9 Spoilers! Just all of 'em. I seem to be going through them as the team do so unless you see the new episode's you might learn something you don't wanna know. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

And if you don't know by now that "The Lord of the Rings", "The Hobbit", "The Silmarillion", et. al. as well as all the characters and plot devices contained there in belong to J.R.R Tolkien then I fear for you.

* * *

It took me about a minute or so to figure out that I was crying in public (in the cafeteria of a military facility no less!) and did what any self-respecting person who wasn't some kind of whiny and clingy Mary-Sue would do. I stopped. Quickly. 

Honestly, what kind of reputation for evil and heinous acts would I have if I continued to act like a whiny brat?

"Better?" Mitchell asked awkwardly but not unkindly.

"You don't have sisters do you Colonel?" I stated/asked in an effort to ignore the eyes that I felt on me.

I hate being stared at.

Unless I'm on stage of course.

Or I say a particularly shocking thing.

Or I'm in the middle of a chaotic mess.

Okay, I just hate crying like a little bitch in front of people okay!

"You could be a little nicer to me considering you just drenched my BDU's," he pointed out.

I made a noise of disbelief which is impossible to capture is words.

"Don't think of it as drenching…think of it as the rinse cycle."

"So…no more bursting into uncontrolled tears?"

Bastard.

"Just for that I'm not telling you what I know."

Idiot.

Me. Not him. Though it could apply to him as well…

He got a victorious look, "I knew it."

Smug asshole.

Fine, if he was going to take advantage of me I'd return the favor.

"How about we make a deal."

I don't think he liked my tone.

"What kind of deal?"

"No need to be suspicious," my smirk pretty much voided that statement.

"I repeat. What kind of deal?"

"For every question that you ask me of what is to come of what has occurred or what is occurring you owe me a favor."

"No deal."

"Why is that?"

"Too ambiguous. You said for every question I asked not for every question you answered. Plus you also didn't say whether you would answer _correctly_. There was also no specification on the favor considering that I don't want you to ask me to kill someone just to know what tomorrow's special is."

Damn.

"Are you sure you're not a politician?"

"Are you trying to insult me?"

"I'd say I succeeded by the look on your face."

He gave me a long look.

"Okay. Fine. This will be a question-by-question thing. The larger the question the larger the favor."

"The favor will be decided prior to obtaining the answer."

"Fine. But you **cannot** spread my answers around."

"I'll have to and you know it."

"I don't mean the big things. I'll make the favors big enough that it won't matter if it's Life and Death. But the small things…embarrassing dirt from past missions that could give you an edge on getting your team together…that can't be made part of the SGC grapevine capiche?"

"We'll discuss it. As you said, a case-by-case kinda thing. Is there anything I should know at the moment?"

"What do I get?"

"Chocolate ice cream?"

"Screw the ice cream. Get me a 2X2 pan of tiramisu and you've got yourself an interesting tidbit."

"All right. I'll bite."

Mmm tiramisu.

"Has Vala left yet Colonel?"

"Yes, she did in fact."

Now he had suspicion all over his face. Maybe a little dawning horror mixed in with lots and lots of denial?

"I'd say to get used to her 'cuz you're going to be seeing her a lot."

"And how do you know that?"

I smirked, "That's another question."

He glared.

I shrugged, "Fine. I'm operating under the idea that while this may be "real" that it still applies to the show in my world. And because of that I remember that the actress who played Vala seemed to be close to the actors who played SG-1 in the preview show that I watched one day. Plus, I saw her on one of the commercial previews. Ergo, they're not planning to kill her off anytime soon and she's going to be around for some reason or another."

He frowned, "This isn't a T.V. show Ms. Cardenas. This is real life."

"This is real life as **you** know it, not me. Honestly? I'm still expecting to wake up."

There was a long silence.

"Can I go back to my room now?" I asked somewhat bitingly.

He stood and escorted me to the elevators where my guards took over.

As one of my jailors pressed the floor number I couldn't help but sigh and look forward to a nap.

* * *

I need a shower. 

Badly.

And a change of clothes.

Ugh. As a lazy college student who hated to do laundry and loved to lounge in comfortable clothing I'm used to getting a couple days worth of wear out of my clothing but this was ridiculous. Even if I did wear my clothing for more than a consecutive day I did change my underwear and shower every single day, or night as my schedule allowed. But there wasn't a shower connected with my room and I didn't want to have to use some kind of communal showers. The jump-suit thing that I'd been given was looking mighty tempting but I hadn't been given underclothes and I was **not **going commando.

Someone knocked.

"Come in," I called out grumpily.

"So you do know how to knock," I feigned surprise as Mitchell entered.

"Daniel collapsed," he informed me tersely.

I frowned because I knew what he wanted and that he wouldn't believe me when I told him that I didn't know. Though I did have an inkling.

"You know Colonel. It could be seen as some kind of weakness that you're depending one me so much. Or maybe you just have a smidgen of a crush?" I taunted as I fluttered my lashes.

I understood his look of disbelief. I did not look pretty. My clothes were wrinkled. My face was grubby, my hair was tangled and braided messily. I probably smelled too.

"How do I help Daniel?"

"Ah ah ah. What do I get?"

"What are your demands?"

Damn. I hate having a conscience. And sympathy that's a killer too.

"I want a shower. By myself. No guards in with me though they can stand outside. Then I want to be allowed off base with two escorts and some shopping money to procure some clothing."

He blinked.

What did he expect? It's not like I wanted his firstborn child. Maybe to carry it…

Okay. Stop the fan girl thoughts. Icky bad thoughts.

"Agreed."

I sighed, "I can't be totally sure about this but this would be a perfect reason to get Vala back to the SGC. Last time Daniel went night night was because of her…maybe she didn't know as much about those bracelets as she thought she did. Find her."

He nodded and left without another word.

Rude much?

* * *

An hour later one of my guards knocked and told me he was taking me to shower. He was new. Like the woman who accompanied us. 

The trip was short and they both stood outside the door as I rushed in and used government issue everything to finally get clean. I think I wanna kiss whoever put out a brush for my use. After I stop crying from pulling out large chunks of hair.

I was surprised that the jumpsuit thing actually fit and though I didn't wear my underwear (because it was just nasty to think about wearing days old underwear after getting clean) I did wear my jimjams under the thing because you never know just who wore it previously.

The guards led a much happier Cindy Cardenas to her room.

The shower had allowed me to do some contemplation.

This was not a desirable position ladies and gents. And it was fairly obvious that I was not going to be getting home anytime soon. I'm basically the property of the US Military. No papers equals no citizenship.

So screwed. Really, I'm so fucked that it isn't even funny.

* * *

Wow. A third knock in the same day. I'm getting popular. 

"Yes?"

I blinked as a pretty woman dressed in black slacks, a white dress shirt and lab coat opened the door.

"No more probing!" I begged mockingly.

She chuckled.

"I'm Dr. Amanda Taylor. General Landry wanted me to help you with your clothing problem."

I couldn't help but grin.

But stopped when she started to look apologetic. She wasn't here to…Mitchell agreed! He wouldn't make me…

"I'm sorry but you can't leave the base. You're going to be given access to a computer and order some things online."

Oh. That's cool.

I thought that this woman was going to play my mother and shop for me.

Only my mother can do that.

Or could.

Damn…think happy thoughts…CLEAN UNDERWEAR!

That did it.

I looked up at the Doc.

"Are we doing this from here?" I asked politely. Hey, she was helping me get clothes. And maybe she's a geek who would let me do some shopping in the B&N site. And hopefully I could get her to let me on F.-F-NET See what the differences are. If there is one, that is.

"We can. Or I could take you out of your boring room into the bland halls to my office. Thus, providing you with some stimulation," she smirked.

I like her.

"So what kind of doctor are you?" I questioned.

"Psychologist."

I did the thing with my face where my eyebrows climb up my forehead, "That's not reassuring."

She chuckled.

"They're making you check up on me?" I _almost _whined.

"In a way. You have been through quite a trauma after all."

Okay. I like psychology. It's fun to learn how to mess with people. I _don't _like it when it's used on me.

"I think I'd prefer doing this in my room," I informed her rather tersely. I was starting to change my mind about liking her. In fact, my goodwill was quickly turning sour.

"General Landry wanted me to tell you that should you consent to a psych evaluation he would allow you three hundred dollars more in spending money on anything that you wanted within reason," she looked smug.

Bitch.

"Fine."

Smugger. (Is that a word?)

"But, I get to choose when since you said should I consent and didn't specify an exact time," I saw her open her mouth the object and continued. "Of course you'll agree since you won't want to lose my trust over something so trivial," she shut it. "You must, however, tell me just what a psych evaluation entails keeping in mind that I can ask various people on base. I'm also assuming that this will be totally within the patient/doctor confidentiality thing and you won't be reporting the minute details of my life to Landry or the Pentagon." She nodded and looked rather offended. "I would also like to request a computer or laptop with Internet access for my room and understand that my surfing would be monitored."

"And how do I know that you won't try and wriggle out of your agreement after you get your stuff?"

"That would be a pretty stupid move on my part. It would just make me look like a liar and thus untrustworthy in the eyes of the people I am completely dependent upon."

Duh.

She nodded.

"I think that your demands are doable as well as rational. I cannot promise anything about getting something in your room but I will try." She looked encouraging and not patronizing. I guess she finally realized that I'm not a child no matter how I look. Maybe its because she's used to the adult and battle worn members of the SGC that she came off so abrasively.

She led me into what was her office and motioned to her chair, "Sit there and use my computer. I'll be looking over your shoulder and monitoring your purchases."

I shrugged and did so. My fingers immediately took me to the first place I wanted to hit. Victoria's Secret.

I heard Taylor make a noise behind me.

"Didn't peg me for the type Doc?"

She glared a little.

"How much spending money do I have?"

"Eight hundred including the extra three."

I quickly went to the clearance sales and started to click stuff onto my cart. Cotton bras and panties in solid colors was what my purchase consisted of seeing as I was not the type to wear lacy thongs.

"How is this getting paid for?" I inquired as I hit the checkout button.

Her hand came into my line of vision. In it was a card. A bankcard with my name on it.

"How?" I whispered as I took it.

"It seems that General O'Neill had some people establish an identity for you. It included a bank account. There's only the eight hundred that I told you about in the account."

"What's the PIN?" I demanded hoping I didn't look touched. Damn, I really owed the guy.

"Your birth month and day."

She also handed me a paper with an address and other stuff like zip code.

I finished filling out the information page and chose overnight delivery. I'd spent a little over a hundred. Only seven to go.

In another hour I had visited various other sites. I really hated shopping online. It's such a rip-off sometimes. I mean I couldn't go without my jeans from American Eagle but if I wanted sandals and sneakers I could have gotten a much better price at one of the $5.99 stores I frequent. Unfortunately online shopping meant corporations, which meant overpriced stuff. Oh well. Capitalism.

Which is when I finally made it around to B&N. I quickly browsed and bought half a dozen books and another half dozen CD's. This was followed by determined browsing which let me find some reasonable prices on anime DVD's and manga. Heaven.

"I'm finished," I addressed Taylor who had been quiet during my little spree. I wouldn't put it passed her to be analyzing my clothing, literary and musical preferences like a good little shrink. I wonder what she'd make of my Hellsing and YuYu Hakusho fixation.

My fingers itched for some fanfiction but I really didn't want to take up anymore of Taylor's time considering that I'd feel like I owed her something.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk now?" Taylor pressed.

I let my glare speak for me.

She called in my guards who led me to my room. Again.

I guess this calls for yet another nap.

* * *

I'm starting to think this much sleep isn't healthy. 

Hell, I don't know what day it is or even if it's day or night!

I couldn't bring myself to try and watch LOTR again since Mitchell put me off kilter. Bastard. Now every time I see the bridge scene between Aragorn and Arwen I'll think of him. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing…OH! No! Bad brain! No crushes on older fictional characters!

Like that ever works.

Damn brain didn't listen when I said the same thing for Snape. Or Aragorn. Wesley too. Not to mention my Batman fascination (Cartoon not movie!). sigh I'm such a sucker for the tall and dark ones. I have big soft spots for the sweet and funny ones too. Why else would I drool over Xander and Yusuke? Argh! My 'Love to Lust' list is too long! At least I only admit to having two vampire fascinations. Alucard and D. The first is an insane and bloodthirsty specimen the second is just so poignantly tragic. Screw the Angel, Spike, Simon, Lestat, etc. fangirls. They don't know what they're missing.

Okay, I really need to stop with the rambling. I miss important things that way.

Like knocking.

"Enter," I chirped. I ignored the nameless SF and zeroed in on the laptop in his grasp.

My precious.

Whoops. He's giving me a weird look. I think I said that aloud. Heh.

He looked a little uncomfortable.

I think it was the naked look of want that I was shooting in the direction of the laptop. Licking my lips probably didn't help.

He quickly put it on the desk and made a quick retreat.

I was pressing the 'on' button before the door even shut.

Aw crap.

I think I scared the guy off too soon. No Internet connection.

Damn.

This sucks.

Could someone, anyone at all, please answer me this: Why me?

* * *

Notes! Umm this chapter was hard for me. I didn't really like how it all came out but I honestly don't think I can do any better, my insanity seems to be on vaycay so I had to make do. Hopefully I'll get back in the groove and get a better product for chapter 4. Try not to hold it against me okay? 

The Mitchell/Cardenas interaction was finished a week ago but I wanted more so Taylor came into being on Thursday and the rest just flowed. Awkward but it works.

I was going to post yesterday but I hadn't proofread nor gotten my notes and replies to reviewers. Plus I had a party to go to and I crashed right after. It's a good think tomorrow's a holiday.

* * *

Definitions/Explanations: 

_Manga _Japanese comics

_Hellsing and Alucard _Hellsing is the name of a manga and an anime show that has to do with what the name suggests. Vampires. More in-depth, the organization led by Sir Integral Wingates Hellsing (female) known as Hellsing which takes care of the vampire threat in England. Their secret weapon, Alucard. If you don't get it, write his name backwards.

_Yuyu Hakusho and Yusuke _This manga/anime has to do with a punk named Yusuke who dies and gets a chance to come back to life. In doing so, he proves himself and becomes a detective for Spirit World (Reikai) and searches out paranormal activities/threats caused by spirits and demons.

_Wesley _You know? From Angel? When he becomes all edgy and dangerous? Whoo boy.

_Xander _Ah the Zeppo. He's my kind of guy. Sense of humor. Determination. Loyalty. Honor. Why can't they make 'em like this anymore? Buffy didn't know what she was missing.

_D _The vampire from the manga/anime Vampire Hunter D. A dhampir (half human/half vampire) who hunts vampires. We've been led to believe that his father is the notorious Dracula. Hence his name, D.

* * *

Review Replies for my much loved Reviewers 

**hh: **Nice! I have a new friend. And this one ISN'T imaginary. Right? You're not are you? I won't hold it against you if you are. I'm glad you decided to review again! I thought you were going to be lurker and was so pleasantly surprised to read your lengthy compliment. And the praise? Definitely appreciated, though some would say it gives me a bit of an ego. _"A day may come, when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of Fellowship, but it is not this day! An hour of wolves and shattered shileds when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight!" –Aragorn ROTK._

**Queen of the Elven City: **I'm sorry! I didn't mean that in a mean way! I put that in there just for you since you were my first reviewer I thought about something special to do and teasing about your strawberry ice-cream fixation seemed like the thing to do. Don't be mad…please? On the other hand I'm glad you like the interaction with Jack. So…this means we're alike? That's a scary thought. No, it's not bad that you understand every LOTR reference. I find that I do so as well. Snorting out hot chocolate? THAT'S WRONG! Not only did you waste perfectly good chocolate but that must have hurt! It's okay though because I made you laugh. (Again, teasing!) Thanks for your review always appreciated.

**Tarrenys: **Thank you. It's always nice to be loved by default/association. Did you like any particular part? Or were you just totally amused the insanity of it? Thanks for taking the time to review!

**Jwhennig: **Wow, that's a definite compliment. You know someone likes your fanfic when they risk the ire of their boss to read it. Honestly, whenever I'm around a computer I start to read so I know how it goes. I try to ignore the weird looks after laughing like a hyena for no apparent reason. I've gotten good at that. Must be all the practice. My thanks for your review. Do repeat the gesture in the future. (Though maybe not at work. Wouldn't want you to get in trouble.)

**Gemini: **Woah! That's great flattery (and you know what they say "It'll get you anywhere!"). I don't know if it's EVERY Stargate lover's dream but it's nice of you to think so. Hope this update was soon enough for 'ya! If not then review again and tell me so! Thanks and hugs!

**Gateaholic: **I'm a sarcastic joker and I love making people laugh. Especially people who are nice enough to tell me that I did so! Don't worry, here's the next chapter and I'm gearing up for the next ones though they might not be as funny and maybe a little shorter. But you'll still read 'em though right? Thanks and review again soon.

**GuessWho: **Do I really have to? And did you have to shout in capitals? I can hear you just fine. I'm glad I got you interested even if you're not a Stargate fan (blasphemy!). I like that line too. And I know I'm not 19 but my character is! So there! I happen to have the mentality of a four year old so that's a moot point anyway!

* * *

I don't know when the next chapter will come into fruition but it will eventually be born. 

Stay tuned!

* * *

Glorfirien 


	4. Chapter 4

**Why Me?**

Glorfirien

* * *

Summary: "It is my belief that I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity." A girl from our reality appears in front of the Stargate. Insanity Ensues. Humor. 

**Season/Spoiler: Season 9 Spoilers! Just all of 'em. I seem to be going through them as the team do so unless you see the new episode's you might learn something you don't wanna know. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

And if you don't know by now that "The Lord of the Rings", "The Hobbit", "The Silmarillion", et. al. as well as all the characters and plot devices contained there in belong to J.R.R Tolkien then I fear for you.

Harry Potter Series is owned By J.K Rowling et. al.

"Good Omens" by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

* * *

I had begged my guards to take me to get something to eat instead of having it brought to my room using the fact that I might go "stark raving sane" (1) as my argument. I was tempted to say that I'd go, "Nuts. Nuts as in crazy, insane, bonzo, no longer in possession of ones faculties, three fries short of a happy meal, WACKO!" (2) but not only would I be stealing Jack's line I'd also be lying since I am already insane. Yes, I have indeed been unduly influenced by Jack O'Neill. And judging by my previous statement, Teal'c can be added to that list as well.

Ugh. I'm in one of those moods. A _proper_ mood.

See, I'm an intelligent person. A nerd. And yes, I am rather proud of that. But I also like being immature, silly and just plain weird. Sometimes though, the moods will just grip me and all of a sudden I'm not speaking slang, I lighten up on the nerdy jokes and use a more potent dose of sarcasm coupled with big words and more correct grammar.

My friends used to say that I did it because I liked to amuse myself by making them look stupid. I like to think I'm better than that (though I'm probably not) so I've hypothesized that I just get an overload of intelligence and have to use it. Sort of like being struck by a plot bunny. Speaking of which…that laptop might be getting used very soon.

Why?

Well, I'm sitting here eating a tuna sandwich and this plot just won't stop bugging me. Which is weird because it includes Stargate. I NEVER write about Stargate. Then again it is redeemed by the fact that it includes SailorMoon. In fact, my brain has just supplemented a further branching of Stargate:Atlantis. Crap. I stand up to quickly dispose of my trash.

"Can we go back?" I ask as I move to the exit.

I really I want to write this down.

I'm staring at the elevator doors pondering an original character when two things happen. First, it hits me that since I am in the Stargate universe I won't be able to post my fic no matter how good it is. Also, since I am in said universe I can ASK Daniel himself what attracts him to a woman an make the perfect OC! The second thing throws everything other thought from my mind.

The elevator doors open and I stepped in.

Now you're asking why that would have such an effect on me.

Well, it just so happens that every elevator I've previously been on did not include Lt. Col. Cameron Mitchell and Dr. Daniel Jackson in LEATHER!

If anyone is watching and/or taping them while they wear those delicious leather pants then all I can say is that it does not compare to seeing the real thing.

I am the envy of thousands of fan girls.

Of course my brain finally stopping it's naughty thoughts and used actual speech.

"What cow did _you_ kill?"

No one said my brain was particularly witty after such ordeals.

Daniel glared. Mitchell looked amused.

And the third, previously unnoticed, occupant spoke up.

"See! You look good. You got this little girl yammering on about farm animals."

Suffice to say, I was _not _amused.

"I wasn't aware they were letting strippers on base," I spoke with all the mocking surprise I could muster.

Vala was frowning.

Daniel looked chafed and Mitchell still looked amused.

"Well, have fun trying to get a divorce! Try not to get her preggers Daniel!" With that the elevator doors opened and I stepped out. I took particular delight in Vala's smirk, Daniel's outrage and Mitchell's amusement. I'm glad the guy can find the humor in things.

"You know," I began a one sided dialogue with my stoic guard, "It would be rather funny, and just their luck, if they had to traipse around the galaxy to get those two apart only to find that they have to wait it out. Or worse, that they're stuck."

Richardson, my guard, hid a smirk.

* * *

My stuff got to me a day late. Probably because it had to be thoroughly searched before being allowed anywhere near the SGC. I'm going to stop talking about this because I really don't want to think about my unmentionables being scrutinized by a group of hardened soldiers. Wonder what they made of the flower print?

While having fresh undies sent me into orgasmic sighs of bliss I couldn't contain my childish bouncing when I saw my CD's and DVD's.

I took a deep breath and flew to the laptop. A quick summary of my plot was quickly typed up so I wouldn't forget.

It included a trip to the moon where someone would find the ruins of the Silver Millennium and find that the goddess Selene was an Ancient who had begun the civilization on the moon. This meant, of course, that the Line of Serenity was descended of the Ancients if not totally Ancient themselves…maybe that's why they didn't like the interaction with Earth? And Princess Serenity's affair with Endymion? And the famous Silver Crystal has no power, it all stems from the wielder! Then, of course, there's the search on the other planets that lead them to find the civilizations which sprung from there with their own Ancients, Athena and Hermes, Eros and Aphrodite, Ares (or maybe I should go with Phobos and Deimos?), Zeus and many of the pantheon. But it seems a bit…unoriginal to use Greek Mythology though Stargate seems more focused on Egyptian deities. Maybe change the names? Okay, skip that part. But if they were Ancient why would Metallia have been able to destroy them? Is she a variation of an Ori? Or maybe something to do with the ascended view of non-interference? (3)

Oh. My. Glorfindel.

Sudden inspiration! Okay. A war or altercation on earth where tribes of Ancients come together to fight but eventually leave Earth because they disagree over something or other. Each tribe claims a planet and loosely form an alliance. It all goes to hell when the Ori attack. And though they beat back the Ori their civilizations are basically over. So, on each planet there's one of those stasis chamber thingies where the last Princess was left. Not only her but also her protector! Kick ass! I so rock! But then…let's see… Mercury, Venus, Moon, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto. Nine. Let's add the Sun, after all if they can put a city underneath the sea they can defend against the heat and radiation of the sun. That's ten. Asteroid Belt! A planet lost in the battle with the Ori? Okay, eleven. Add Earth and we have an even dozen. Sweet! (4)

Now, what about the Pegasus Galaxy? And the Wraith?

Squee! Okay, SGA-1 is out on some planet. They find ruins which talk about the hidden cities! Which gets relayed back to Earth and starts a big search for the cities because the ruins talk about how the civilizations defeated the Ori. (5)

I am so good.

I quickly save my plot ideas and freeze when I catch a look of the Desktop.

Internet!

Without preamble, my fingers move with a nimbleness I've never known they had and in mere moments I'm looking at the homepage of F.-F-NET. Deep breaths. I click on the TV-SHOWS link and slowly scroll down.

No Stargate SG-1 or otherwise.

Oh my.

There's a link for Wormhole X-Treme!

I abstain from following my curiosity and instead check out the BOOKS and ANIME section. Whoa, the Harry Potter category is way bigger than back home. I wonder…I open another window and access the HP Official Website that tells me that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince won't be out for another month. Is it bad that I really want to post up a lot of spoilers? Or write them all and post them up as a fic with my own twist? Bad Cindy! Bad! Maybe I'll just drop a few hints to my guards and see if any of them are HP fanatics. Nah. I hate it when other people spoil endings for me.

I quickly return and try looking up my own author page. I find both to my relief and disappointment that it doesn't exist. I smirk and quickly go to Yahoo! to create an e-mail account so that I can take back my previous screen name on few things occur to me once I've finished getting my e-mail. First, getting an e-mail might not have been allowed by my jailors. Ah, well. Better to ask forgiveness then permission. Second, many of the fanfics that I've read might not exist. On the other hand, there are a lot of fanfics that didn't exist in my reality. This could get interesting…

I quickly decide to see if I can find any Stargate authors.

Nothing.

All those who were strictly SG-1 or SGA oriented are gone. The SG crossovers are gone too and it's somewhat of a relief that I found some SG authors that I remembered who had written fics in other subject areas.

I can't help but laugh.

And not in a funny ha-ha kinda way. I close all the windows and delete my plot ideas.

Why?

Because it's just hit me again, and rather painfully as well, that I'm not who I was anymore.

I'm not a regular college student who is studying to be a teacher. While it's fun to act immaturely and try and drown out the insanity with fairy tales, with Lord of the Rings and wizards, vampire and fanfiction it won't work.

_Then who are you?_

Aw shit. It's the voices.

_You're the same as you were a year ago._

Well, more like _the _voice. Sanity. Rationality. Logic.

_It's the world that's changed._

What about my perception of reality?

_What perception? There are more thing in heaven and earth, more things in this universe and unfathomable others than any could ever dream of. You know this. Your perception of reality is like an ant's of the world. You see a part of the universe and can live and survive in it but when it comes to true understanding…_

Then what the hell am I supposed to do?

_Keep faith. Keep humor. Be who you are. What else can anyone ever do? What will it achieve to have you become melodramatic? Enjoy the things you have. Mourn for what you've lost and move on. In the end, you'll either reclaim what you've lost or gain something to replace it. It's life._

And what am I supposed to do? Stay down here for the rest of my live watching movies and reading about the outside world? Die in a foothold situation? Lose whatever chance of life I could still have?

_What you're supposed to do is have faith in Him. He would not test you unless he knew you could overcome the obstacles. Get over yourself and put yourself in his hands._

And what am I supposed to think about the Ascended and the Ori?

_His tapestry spreads across time and space. _

So now they're part of the big cosmic struggle between good and evil…Oh. The Ori really need to take a page out of Lucifer's book. Then again, he's gonna lose too. Oh god, I would say that I can't believe you except I can. This is one big test. That's just too funny for words.

_Gotta love his sense of humor._

It's weird to talk to myself.

_No it's not. It's weird that you don't find it weird that you're talking to yourself._

Well, yeah.

…

So I'm part of some greater plan?

_Isn't everyone?_

Oh please. You're telling me that God chose me over billions of other people?

_Yes._

One question.

_If you must._

I must.

…

Why Me?

…

Seriously. Tell me. I keep asking but no one answers.

_You're just not listening._

Screw that! You're starting to sound like Daniel with his "If you know that there's fire then you were warm."

_I think you skewed that._

Whatever.

…

You don't know!

_What?_

I can't believe it! You don't know!

_!cough! Well He is the One. Alpha and Omega. Et al. I can't exactly know his plan. It's ineffable._

All right Aziraphale. (6)

_Shut up, Crowley. (7)_

Ineffable my ass. You just don't know. That's a first.

_The real question is actually why I got stuck as your sanity. Honestly, Why ME?_

With His sense of humor? No one will ever know.

_Get back to amusing yourself with anime and driving the males of SG-1 mad._

I am so twisted. Taylor would probably institutionalize me if she knew I had in-depth conversations with myself.

Speaking of which I really need to schedule that appointment.

With the psychiatrist or psychologist whatever she is that could potentially point me out as a loony and have me institutionalized in another reality/dimension.

I hate to sound whiny especially after my pity fest with…well with me but I would really like someone to answer my question. You've heard it often enough but no one ever answers.

Someone up there is pulling the strings and I'd like to know why. Why? Out of everyone in anyplace, anywhere and anytime WHY ME!

* * *

Okay, so I didn't make my Sunday deadline but I'm only late by about an hour so…be kind. 

I know it's a short chapter than the previous ones but I think I may be coming down with Writer's Block. I might have to get some treatment. But you know these things are tricky.

_The Voice _is totally hers because I sure as heck don't have anything like it. If you guys like _Sanity. Rationality. Logic. _I have to say that I do too and I'm hoping for some future interaction between them. _The Voice _really wants some recognition. She says that she might have to take up the role of my sanity as well because I lost mine a while ago. I didn't lose it. I just don't know where it is.

The mention of God, if you don't believe it don't get bent out of shape because I do.

* * *

(1) "Stark raving sane" I got the line from watching _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. _

(2) Jack's line during the time loop thing. Rather amusing.

(3)/(4)/(5): This plot actually did smack me in the head. Don't worry if you don't understand it. You were, once again, subjected to being a witness to the insanities of my mind. If there are any SailorMoon fans out there…you'll have a better chance of getting it. **Fourth Horsemen Spoiler! **I was so freaked when I heard that the Ori were actually taking energy from their followers because I had thought up this plot and how the SailorMoon universe fit before that. For those of you who don't know, in the first Season a dark entity known as Metallia gave power to Beryl so that she would send out her minions to collect energy. I felt a bit clairvoyant because that's exactly what the Ori do. So I can actually do an SG/SM/SGA cross! Just not now b/c I have no time.

(6)/(7): Aziraphale and Crowley are two characters from Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's "Good Omens". Aziraphale is an Angel and Crowley is a demon (the serpent who tempted Eve as a matter of fact). They become friends of a sort and have an Agreement and everything. They've gone native and when Armageddon is upon them via the Antichrist who is about 10 they decide to do all they can to stop it. It's a good book. Read it!

* * *

I love all you guys. Your reviews just make my day.

Special thanks to **WiccanPrincess/SpideysGirl246** who IM'ed me this morning, complimented my fic, informed me that my fic was corrupting her younger sister and played an interesting game of Questions with me.

**Night-Owl123: **Thanks for reviewing! I enjoyed the last part too. It's rather fun to unsettle people don't you think? I hope you enjoy this chapter. (Especially the leather.) Review Again Please!

**Eris86**: I see your point. I don't pity her that much either. Col. Mitchell is a dish. Though there is the rumor of the Mitchell/Lam thing happening. It's sad but I see it. Though I don't want to because I have such a crush on him through my OC self. As for Jack? I don't know about future appearances but if the opportunity comes up then there will be definite O'Neillage! Thanks for taking the time to drop a line!

**Lucas43: **Hope I didn't keep you waiting long. Weird? Thanks for the compliment. Funny? Wow you really are a flatterer! Mini-Jack? Comparison to an actual character? I'm touched! Thank you for your kind words. Please don't make it the last time. Hope you like the chapter.

**AncientGate99: **Oh I love you no matter what name you use. Love as in a totally non-romantic and non-sexual way! I'm glad you're not a figment of my overactive imagination because then I would fear for you and pity you. It's scary in there. There's nothing wrong with a McKay ego! Except, of course, that only he can pull it off. I can't. Eating power bars? I think your imagination is a scary place too Jordan-chan! Either way, no McKay ego for Glor-chan! I always enjoy your adulation! Remember, _a friend is a treasure without compare._

**Queen of the Elven City: **You think I should put a warning label on the chapter? Maybe, "Warning: The following paragraphs may cause hot chocolate spewage due to it's humorous content." What do you think? Or "Caution: O'Neill/Cardenas hijinks ahead." I think you should turn the tables on your brother and start making him into an object of study. Thanks for telling me your favorite line/part It's always nice to know which ingredient of insanity caused the most amusement for my audience. Thank you lots for your continuous reviews. Though on second thought your brother might be right…strawberry ice-cream lovers are an abnormality that must be studied!

**Viresse12: **Why wouldn't my replies be humorous? I am an amusing person after all. What's with the quotes? Are you mocking my screen name? I know you're not a Stargate fan (though I think that avoiding it just because the name reminds you of Star Trek, which you hate, is silly) but the guys on the show are older hotties. They retain their hunk factor in my fic. Heck, it's amplified. What? Aragorn? No one is hotter then Aragorn! Except Glorfindel. And the twins. And all the elfies…okay never mind.

**Tarrenys: **Hey, I can't complain. I'm a total review addict. Whether you're signed in or not I still love you my reviewer! Oookay…got a bit carried away. I'm happy to have given you a laugh. Whywere you stuck with grumpy kids? Sounds like torture. Or unnatural punishment. Here's hoping that I can get some more laughs from you in the future.

* * *

Chapter 5 is still in my head. You might have a bit of a wait. But good things come to those who wait!

* * *

Glorfirien 


	5. Chapter 5

**

* * *

**

**Why Me?**

Glorfirien

* * *

Summary: "It is my belief that I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity." A girl from our reality appears in front of the Stargate. Insanity Ensues. Humor. 

**Season/Spoiler: Season 9 Spoilers! Just all of 'em. I seem to be going through them as the team do so unless you see the new episode's you might learn something you don't wanna know. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

* * *

**_I have also edited previous chapters. Mostly spelling errors and such but I thought everyone should know._**

* * *

Taylor's office. 

Hey, I figure that I might as well get this over with.

"I swear. If, at any time during this session, I hear the phrase, 'And how does that make you feel?' or any variants there-of I will scream," was the first thing that flew from my mouth as I entered the room.

Heh. Adams snorted.

Taylor glared at my guard and he got the whole stoic 'I have no emotions or thoughts but to follow orders' face and left the room.

"I'm glad to see you here."

…

Okay. I can be a pretty twisted person but I'm not exactly mean and spoiled. I love screwing with people's minds but even I have my limits. I think it's hypocritical of me to believe that all shrinks are going to screw me over. So, I will endeavor not to be a total bitch to Taylor because she is a human being and worthy of some consideration.

And I almost kept a straight face through the entirety of that thought.

"Would you like to tell me a little about yourself?"

"Not really."

"Please. I insist."

"What kind of stuff exactly?"

"Whatever you feel comfortable with."

I stared beyond her. The wall was perfect, an inanimate canvas to which I could aim my words.

"I'm not comfortable with any of this. I wake up, it's a normal day, only to find myself disproving any ideas of normality I may have had. And you don't get it. I'm just another disturbed patient. Funny, the whole freaking world is disturbed. How can you possibly…never mind. I mean, Just imagine waking up in…oh…Coruscant (1). It's just a movie! But now you're faced with these people, people who had only just been characters and not alive. Not thinking and feeling and _living. _And you know exactly what's happened and you can't do anything to help them. Which, sadly, isn't even your first priority because, duh, getting home would be first before anything. I'm secure enough to admit that this shit scares me and that I wanna go home where, admittedly, life was boring and normal but it was _safe. _Honestly, have you _looked _I mean really analyzed the kind of crap these people have gone through? This is a hotspot for weird shit! Viruses, invasions, possessions and lord knows what else. And I'm supposed to be enthused that I've landed here? That I'm not only a suspect but probably an interesting pawn to have for those who think that I might hold a lot of information that could give someone an edge. Who can I trust? Who's gonna trust me? Who's gonna care if I get snatched up by some shadow organization? I mean really care. About me. The person that I am. Not some kind of pseudo-Cassandra who has come to save them all."

By then I was ranting.

Taylor was looking very compassionate and soft.

"How about we touch on your life prior to this? Your home life maybe?"

"My parents love and spoil me and my brother but are pretty hostile towards each other. My brother and I bicker like five year olds but gang up on everyone else. I'm the nerdy goody-two-shoes type," I could have sworn Taylor looked skeptical, "And my brother is the rebellious hates school type. This is my first year of college and boy am I happy to be away from home. I have a couple close friends and lots of good acquaintances. Like any stereotypical Mexican family I have a lot of relatives, just like the files you got on them say. And now my brother doesn't exist. My parents aren't together, and I'd say "thank god" except for the fact that my existence hinged on their getting horizontal with each other. And the rest of my family isn't really _my _family. How's that? I'm a complete non-entity here. I'm a paranoid bitch too. So, I'm kinda waiting to be put in some high security base under lock and gee doesn't that sound kinda reminiscent to my current situation? Or am I reading to much into it?"

That shut her up.

Not that she was actually saying anything…

"Would you like to talk about the things you enjoy doing?"

"I like debating. Talking about the silliest and most random things which make people confused and bewildered and give me a sense of superiority. Which probably stems from some childhood insecurity which I most likely acquired from some perceived negligence on part of my parents. I like to do a lot of pleasure reading, mostly fantasy and sci-fi, as well as watch lots of television and movies. I equate these as my escape from reality and problems which are used to cover up my insecurities and apprehension. Again, in an effort to sustain the illusion of control. I also enjoy going out with my friends, eating at a restaurant with good food, maybe a little shopping, and good conversations. These instances are when I feel social and part of a group as well as mature. Well, as mature as I can possibly be. What do you think? Did I classify all my symptoms correctly?"

"Miss Cardenas, please. I am the doctor here. I would appreciate it if you were less caustic and insolent."

"Well, I attribute my sarcasm to my feelings of annoyance and anxiety and my insolence to lack of respect for people whom I don't particularly care for."

"This session is over. Hopefully you'll be calmer tomorrow."

You know, I think I'm actually going to enjoy these sessions. If only for the sheer Taylor annoyance factor.

* * *

I was pressed flush against the wall by Adams on the way to get some food. People in what I've always thought of as radiation hazmat suits were all in a rush to get by. Sad because being pressed flush against the wall by certain elves, rangers, demons, heroes, archaeologists, et al. used to be a favorite fantasy of mine. 

"Where are they going?" I question my reticent guard as the last of the group turned the corner as I try to get certain inappropriate thoughts out of my head. Suffice to say, I lost the battle.

"Classified," was his terse answer.

Geez secret military organization paranoia much?

"Translation ladies and gentlemen? SG-1 is in trouble. Again. Man those people really must have some kind of sign stuck on their back. _'Member of SG-1. Please kidnap, torture and endeavor to exterminate at your earliest convenience.' _And none of 'em die! Did you notice that? I mean, not permanently. They're like freaking cockroaches. Or Buffy! She died and came back. They have the worst luck, they're constantly getting abused physically, mentally and emotionally but they never just die and give up! It's crazy!"

Throughout this whole tirade Adams was nodding, looking kind of disturbed but his lips twitched once or twice so I guess I amused the man.

* * *

My room. Again. 

I'm seeing a pattern here.

Have I expressed lately how much I _loathe _these four walls?

_No but abstinence would be appreciated on your part._

Abstinence? Since when am I in danger of participating in premarital nookie?

_Nookie? I can't believe you just referred to sex as **nookie.**_

What else should I call it? Hide the sausage. Horizontal Tango. Shagging. The Dirty Deed. Copulating. Mating. Banging. Doing The Nasty. Screwing. Humping. Making The Beast With Two Backs. Making babies. Procreating. Partaking in the Delightful Sin of Carnality.(2)

_You are most certainly a disturbed individual._

You should know.

_Sadly, to my own detriment, it is so._

Who hit you with the proper stick? And the vocabulary branch?

_Just because some of us prefer to present a more refined attitude to the world gives you no entitlement to poke fun._

Well, those of us who take enjoyment from poking fun at beings who believe themselves to be removed from the average people and utilize such weapons as the perceived proper way of speech to further distance themselves from said populace feel that they are utterly justified in doing so. It is a sacred duty, bringing down those who are full of arrogance and ignorance to the level of average mortals.

_All right! Stop with the convoluted speech already!_

Heh.

…

So….

_Yes?_

What's the sitch, Sara?

_Sara?_

Well, I can't very well keep calling you Sanity and Rationality can I?

_You named me. I'm touched._

You're incorporeal.

_Figuratively, you spawn of evil._

I take offensive to that! My brother is the spawn of evil. I am the undisputed heir of annoyance, irritation, infuriation, exasperation and aggravation.

_Forgive me._

Thou art forgiven for thine trespasses.

_Thanks._

As well as thine use of biting sarcasm.

_I appreciate it._

Now stop deflecting and tell me why the hell you're talking to me! Not that I don't enjoy the company.

_Moi? I'm just trying to keep you occupied and entertained for awhile. Keeps you at normal levels of insanity as opposed to your usual lunacy._

I'm sure the world appreciates it.

_As does the universe as a whole._

That's it? No interesting tidbits as to what's gonna happen to me? What my purpose is? The villain du jour? Daniel or Mitchell's underwear preference?

_Funny. But no. I am not at liberty to discuss that information._

Crap. It happened. Overexposure to covert military operations has corrupted you. Shoot me if I start with the undercover-ops bullshit.

_Gladly._

Whatever.

* * *

The next time I saw the group there was some definite tension. 

I'd overheard the gossip about Mitchell falling ill and almost dying on some planet, the SGC grapevine is disturbingly efficient, and I was glad that he was okay.

"Hey everyone! How's the defense against the scum of the universe going (3)? What's with the long faces? Is our doom looming over us in a clichéd and imminent fashion? I hope not 'cuz Mitchell still owes me some tiramisu." Hey, when all fails, use humor. Wisdom that Xander Harris and Jack O'Neill have imparted upon me time and time again.

"YES! Our doom is nigh! These idiots are actually trusting that slimy Goa'uld Nerus! You would think that the infamous slayers of the Goa'uld would know better!" Vala exploded into a rant.

Earning her some glares from her companions.

"Vala, she does not have clearance," Daniel ground out with a lot of exasperation.

"Screw clearance!" I breathed with disbelief. "You're actually trusting a snakehead? ARE YOU BONKERS! Nothing good can come of this! He is soooo trying to screw you over!" I tried to keep my voice down.

I'm not sad to say that I failed.

"Oh? Is this some of your fabled future knowledge?" Daniel questioned sarcastically.

Oh homeboy did not _just_.

"No. It's my own unsurpassed intelligence," I shot back just as scathingly, "which is something you all seem to be severely lacking! When is a Goa'uld ever helpful unless its in his own best interest?"

"Please take Ms. Cardenas back to her quarters," Mitchell broke in.

Adams grabbed my arms and started to drag me out.

"NO! DAMMIT! LISTEN! HE HAS ULTERIOR MOTIVES! HE'S THE BAD GUY! THEY ALL HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES! THE BAD GUYS _ALWAYS _SCREW OVER THE GOOD GUYS! AND UNLESS YOU'VE GONE TO THE DARKSIDE HE'S HERE TO FUOOMPH!" That last part was Adams putting his hand over my mouth.

I considered biting or licking but: A.) I don't wanna die. B.) He's the only company I have right now. C.) Eww! Who the hell knows where his hands have been?

Instead, I allowed it and followed him, my anger coming at me in waves instead of tsunamis. Adams removed his hand and let me go.

"They're not serious are they? Shit, this stinks of backstabbiness. Why the flying fuck would a snakehead help? Considering that the shithead Ori are passing themselves off as all powerful gods why would Nerus go with the underdogs instead of the powerful guys who just _beat _said underdogs? Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture? Shit, this better not mean Earth is in for another apocalypse."

Beat of silence.

"Oh god. I feel like Crazy Cassandra(4). No one is believing me or Vala. Hell I don't blame you people. I wouldn't believe me or Vala either. Crap. What a cockup."

I was silent as we traversed the gray halls of my benevolent prison.

* * *

_Sara? Are you there? What the frick is going on? The snakehead is trying to screw Earth over right? Are we gonna die soon? Sara? Dammit Sara!

* * *

_

"I need to use a phone," I snapped as I opened my door.

"You are not sanctioned for any phone calls," Richardson informed me.

"Then I want to speak to General Landry," I insisted doggedly.

"The General is a busy man"

That's it? _The General is a busy man. _Puh-lease.

"Well then yo_u _use the phone for me!"

He gave me a look.

"Take me to Taylor," I was just shy of hissing.

* * *

Taylor was scrutinizing me. 

"Why would you need to use a phone?"

"I have my reasons."

"If you are from another dimension then there is no one for you to call."

If? I can't believe it! She has been told and still won't believe.

"Then put the call on speaker phone. I don't care if I'm monitored but this is important."

Taylor stared at me for awhile and I really had to restrain myself from fidgeting.

She pushed the phone towards me after grabbing the receiver and pressing the right buttons to put it on speakerphone and to make a call outside the mountain. Probably some personal code like what they used to have at my high school so that the students wouldn't be able to use the classroom phones.

I quickly typed in the number from memory when the time came.

"Good Afternoon," I cut off the automated system and typed in the extension number.

"General O'Neill's office how may I help you?" a pleasant voice questioned after the call was transferred.

Taylor looked stunned.

"Good afternoon. I don't have an appointment but General O'Neill would want to speak with me if you could tell him that Cindy Cardenas is asking for him," I spoke politely.

"What department are you with?" the voice sounded a bit more on edge.

"I'm calling out of the Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado Springs," was all I said and let her draw her own conclusions.

There was a silence where I was avoiding Taylor's curious glance before the voice I was waiting for called out a greeting.

"If it isn't my apprentice! What can I do ya for kid?" Heh. Oh yeah. Did I forget to mention one detail from the previous meeting between myself and the illustrious General O'Neill? I just hope General Landry doesn't find out anytime soon.

"Do you know yet? What am I saying? Of course you know! What are you going to do? Shoot him? Zat him? Vaporize him? Chop him up into itty bitty pieces and incinerate the remains?"

"Whoa! Wait a minute there! What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that there's a slimy snakehead on base and that people actually seem to be listening to what he's saying despite his status as the scum of the universe!"

"Where did you get your information?" Suddenly, the guy was all serious.

"A certain wife-thief of your favored archaeologist."

…

"Well?"

"It's none of your concern."

"The hell it's not! I'm stuck here and I'll be damned if I lose my life because of some snakehead!"

"It's being dealt with."

Wow. That's a lot from this guy.

And I know it was all I was going to get.

"Thank you."

For being a good guy, for not pitying me, for trying to make me feel comfortable despite the shitty situation.

"You've got nothing to thank me for."

…

"I know you've got a bunch of other things to do, being a big bad General and all so I'll let you get back to your vital paperwork."

He chuckled, "Later kid."

Here's hoping I live to see the end of the week.

* * *

I've gotten used to sleeping in jeans. 

It's still not terribly comfortable but seeing as people around here forget to knock sometimes I'd rather be decent than comfortable.

I'm rather thankful for this when I'm told the General wants to see me. Immediately. Gee doesn't that sound fun?

"Geez. Who died?" I'm instantly sorry for my choice of words when all the people's faces go wonky. Sort of hard. Shit. Someone probably did die.

Change of subject.

"Hey! Blonde, leggy and intelligent! And boy did that come out wrong 'cuz I'm totally not hitting on you. Not that I wouldn't…if you know…I wasn't straight and you weren't straight. You must be Col. Carter! Please don't hurt me! How's it going? You've probably heard of me through the grapevine already but I'm Cindy. How've you been? I already asked that didn't I? Ummm…I'll stop now."

What do you think? Willow Worthy (5)?

Score! Annoyance and amusement wherever I go.

"So…what's the what?" I question as I sit to face the Inquisition.

"I've received reports from your various guards," he began.

"I didn't do it!" I blurted.

He did the nifty eyebrow thing.

How come I can't do the nifty eyebrow thing?

"You didn't do _what_ exactly?" he questioned.

"Umm...whatever I'm about to be accused of?" I answer uncertainly.

"It seems, Ms. Cardenas," he continued slightly disgruntled, "That you _have _been holding out on us."

"Holding out? Was I supposed to be putting out?"

Pause.

Blush.

Rewind.

"Okay. I have no clue just what I'm being accused of so please just lay it out for me."

"From the various comments which you have made to your guards we have been able to conjecture that you have indeed been keeping vital pieces of Intel from us," Daniel took over in a somewhat smug but unpleased tone.

Huh?

"What comments? I haven't made any comments!" I denied.

Mitchell flipped open a file and started to read, "En route to her designated room, after meeting Mitchell, Jackson and Mal Doran, Ms Cardenas said, 'It would be rather funny, and just their luck, if they had to traipse around the galaxy to get those two apart only to find that they have to wait it out. Or worse, that they're stuck.' End Quote."

I blinked.

"That happened?" I questioned.

Daniel took his turn next, "While escorting Ms. Cardenas to procure her lunch we intercepted a med team in hazmat suits. She questioned me about their destination and I responded that the information was classified. She then stated that SG-1 was in trouble."

"Hey! That wasn't a prediction that was a fact! One of the sections in the SGC handbook says that SG-1 is always in trouble! You guys get into so many weird situations that I wouldn't be surprised if there were bets placed on what kind of trouble you'd get yourselves into every time you go through the gate! Didn't Adams write what else I said? All the members of SG-1, past, present and future have a sign stuck to their backs which states '_Member of SG-1. Please kidnap, torture and endeavor to exterminate at your earliest convenience.' _So there. Not hiding any secrets. Everybody knows the kind of chaos that follows on your heels."

"If you're quite finished," Landry spoke drolly.

"Continue," I waved a hand airily.

"Gee. Thanks. Your validation is sorely needed," Mitchell snarked.

"That is why I bestow it," I tossed back.

A cough. Carter's way of getting a word in. "Your most recent incident was again with SG-1. Where you predicted that Nerus was going to double-cross the SGC and was, in fact, allied with the Ori."

"I must, as respectfully as I am able, deny the false allegations which have been made against me. As to the first instance I can plead nothing more than a sick and ironic twist of fate. The second count holds no water as I have previously stated. As for the third, if Nerus did indeed backstab the lot of you then don't try and pin it on me! Didn't I warn you to not trust any snakehead? I warned and no one listened. I didn't know that this would happen but I'm glad to see that if I had been issuing some kind of forewarning that I would be taken seriously," Ibite outsarcastically.

"This is not helping your case," Landry informed me with quiet intensity.

"Not helping my case...yeah well the only way my life could possibly get worse is if people start with the torture. So, being stuck in a claustrophobia-inducing room isn't the worst thing that you can do to me? I hate this! I'm a college student, I'm supposed to be procrastinating in my dorm, watching movies and eating popcorn. Not in this screwed up reality listening to you people accuse me unfairly. I want out! I'm a United States citizen and I have my rights!"

* * *

Apparently I don't have rights. 

I got kicked out after my little episode.

Okay, I was forcibly ejected and "escorted" to my room.

_Well, what else do you expect? You were acting like a hysterical female._

Why is it that females are always characterized as being hysterical? It implies irrationality and somehow inferiority. Not very egalitarian.

_...Right. Whatever. Okay listen, we have some problems._

What now?

_You're not supposed to be here._

...Duh.

_I meant that you've finished what you were meant to accomplish. You're not supposed to be in the SGC. You have priorities elsewhere._

Oh yeah. That helps. I'll go up to Landry and tell him that the voice in my head is demanding that I leave. That'll clear things right up.

_Don't be a smart-ass._

If I am one how do I stop? I am a smart-ass just like I'm a female...well there is a procedure for the latter so there must be one for the former...

_Off topic!_

So What the hell is going on? What crazy shit am I going to be knee deep in now?

_Don't worry about it._

Oh yeah. That reassures me. I feel so safe now.

Someone on the other side is screwing with things. You were supposed to have been released and set up at UCCS by now.

Other side?

…

Sara? What other side?

…

...Not...not _that "other side"!_ Right? Please tell me you're not talking about evil screwing with me!

Okay. I won't tell you.

I'm stuck in a television series which features continual chances to die in a painful and bloody way where no one trusts me and the dark side wants to get me out of the way; with a snarktastic(6) voice in my head telling me it'll be okay.

…

I'm gonna die.

…

Dear God, I love and respect you, I really do, but out of all those people who are begging to do your will why did you choose a smart aleck nineteen year old college student with zero life experience? Why oh why did you choose me?

…

God?

…

I'm not gonna get an answer am I?

_Probably not._

He's laughing his ass off isn't he?

_Giggling discreetly more like it._

No knowing smile a la Dumbledore?

_Nah._

Oh.

Well. It's been informative.

_That it has._

This is awkward.

_Yes, it is._

Don't you have baddies to get off my ass?

_Okay okay. Geez Can I get a little credit? A little appreciation?_

Can **I **get a little more work and a lot less chit-chat?

_God, as your servant I would like to appeal of your good nature and beg the question: Why me?_

…

(Snickers)

_Damn.

* * *

_

End Chapter 5 Finally!

* * *

First of all I want to apologize for the long wait. College started and I got soo busy and I missed so many episodes that it's not even funny. But I did it. I finally cranked this out and I really hope you guys like it. I can't tell you all how thankful I am for your continued support, it really helps. 

So please REVIEW.

Sadly, the rules state that I can't add review responses in here so if I couldn't get to you through e-mail look at my profile for my thanks.

As a carefully subtle and hidden hint for the poeple who actually read my notes...we're approaching the end my friends. Buckle up and enjoy the rest of the ride!

Hey! It's my birthday tomorrow! (April 12) The birthday girl would like some reviews!

* * *

(1) The planet belongs to the Star Wars universe which is property of George Lucas et al. 

(2) Heh. It took me awhile to recall those.

(3) That line is from Men in Black.

(4) Cassandra, you know, theTrojan princess whoknew the future but was cursed with no one believing her prediction.

(5) Willow babble from BtVS!

(6) Thank you Moonlup forcalling me snarktastic!

* * *

Glorfirien

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

**Why Me?**

Glorfirien

* * *

Summary: "It is my belief that I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity." A girl from our reality appears in front of the Stargate. Insanity Ensues. Humor. 

**Season/Spoiler: Season 9 Spoilers! Just all of 'em. I seem to be going through them as the team do so unless you see the new episode's you might learn something you don't wanna know. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

* * *

Right. Well.

Apparently, there's some higher plan that I'm supposed to be following. Of course, it's being tampered with by the baddies.

…

My life is a bad television show.

How depressing.

I suppose I can deal.

As long as I'm not expected to save the world. Or save someone from imminent doom. Or shoulder any kind of responsibility what-so-ever.

Show of hands. Who thinks that I was brought into another reality, thus proving and disproving various laws and theories, just to sit around and be the SGC's pseudo-oracle?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Think terrible thoughts if I become a Mary-Sue in any way. I'm sure the negative karma will reach me in time to screw me over even further.

_Whine whine whine. Goodness, how many times have you moaned and groaned about the lack of excitement in your life? About how you wish you could be hero and make a difference?_

Yeah and how many times have I bitched about getting a million bucks? Pay up.

_Hardy har. _

What is it now? Is the enemy infiltrating the SGC complex as we speak in an effort to do away with me?

_Honey, you are not that important._

Gee I feel the love; it's all tingly.

_Must you be so caustic?_

I must.

_You are becoming tedious._

And you are truly heavenly sent if you've put up with me for such an extended amount of time.

_Nice one._

I thought so.

_No really, have you been practicing?_

Does it show?

_There is a marked improvement._

I guess practice does make perfect.

_Sweetie, only He is perfect._

Yeah well He made and created me so some of the perfection must have rubbed off.

_Must you always sidetrack me? Don't answer that!_

It's the only amusing pastime I am able to indulge in.

_What? Are you actually sick of reading fan fiction?_

It all takes on new meaning when the realization that it is actually occurring somewhere, somewhen, someplace. Not fun to read about the angst and torture then.

_Easier when it was all hypothetical?_

Most things are.

_True._

Now, your actual reason for enduring my presence?

_There has been a slight change in plans._

Plans? What plans? I don't remember making any plans!

_That's because you didn't. Now listen and follow along. _

Why do I get the feeling that I'm not going to like this?

_Perhaps you might actually be clairvoyant.__

* * *

This is sooo bad. I mean really bad._

Mitchell's MIA. It's suspected that he's either a POW or KIA.

I have one over the SGC grapevine.

I know he's not dead.

Please. As if he could actually die.

Now the question becomes where he is, who's holding him hostage and when he's getting back.

Bastard still hasn't given me my tiramisu.

* * *

_It's almost time._

Why the hell did I let you talk me into this?

_You want real food?_

True. Mmmm….tofu(1).

_All right let's leave the beef bulgogi thoughts for when you're actually out of this place._

What am I supposed to do again?

…

_You're kidding._

Nope.

…

_Follow my explicit instructions. Otherwise, I guarantee you'll be caught and spend the rest of your time incarcerated with worse food and no internet._

Lead on Macduff. (2)

_You do know it's 'Lay on' not 'Lead on'?_

Duh. I did participate in the play. But, since we're not fighting I find the mistake appropriate.

_Just do as I say._

Ay ay capitan!

…

So why am I actually getting away with walking bolding through the halls?

_There's a glitch in the surveillance system._

And no one has noticed this?

_They have bigger problems._

And they think this problem is the cause of their camera situation?

_Precisely._

So, is it a right or a left?

_Right._

My right or your right?

_My right is your right._

Do you actually **have** a right?

_Just...stop._

Right.

_Please._

Okay okay. Now, I get that Big Brother (3) Walter isn't watching as I traipse around the SGC without my usual babysitter but why isn't there anyone in the halls? And how am I supposed to access the doors without the card thingy? And how am I going to get in the elevator and up top without being spotted? Or get out there period considering that we're probably on lock-down? And if I do manage all that just how am I getting away from the mountain without being made?

_Faith._

Oh you've brought Faith? Is Xander here too? (4)

_Look, just do as I say. Have faith and pray. Know that He has His ways. Plus, this place does have stairs._

You want me to scale twenty something stories of stairs? You **must** be aligned with the dark side.

_Stop on this level._

Why?

_You can use the elevator._

Why now?

_It's out of order._

An how does that help…oh….OH! Man, He so rocks.

_Doesn't He?_

Isn't NORAD occupying the top levels though?

_They're restricted to their offices. No unnecessary trips until they have the order._

I don't have to walk into Colorado Springs do I?

_You should have to. American teenagers. You're all so lazy and spoiled._

And? We're a product of society. Blame the government.

_Up this shaft._

Oh man. A ladder?

_Get to climbing._

_You look ridiculous with that taped to you._

Whatever. I'm climbing. Plus, it has all my clothes and my manga and comics and anime. I just got these. I am not leaving without them. and don't you think it was cool how I comandeered some plastic bags from the restroom to aid me in my nefarious purpose?

_Why didn't you just ask for a pack?_

Suspicious much? Asking for duct tape to secure the bags to my belt loopswas easier. Besides, it works. This stuff was good enough for MacGuyver. Plus, it has been postulated that it holds the universe together. Considering that I've proven one theory right I wouldn't discount it. Now what? I'm in the middle of a forest.

_North._

Which way is north?

_Your left._

And then?

_Then you'll reach the parking lot, it's a good mile away from the mountain._

We're stealing a car? What ever happened to "thou shalt not steal"?

_We are not stealing a car. You are commandeering a vehicle with every intention of returning it._

Stop stealing Jack's lines only I can do that. (4) Urgh. I've sweated through my shirt. Isn't the lot monitored?

_Remotely. The cameras are down remember? You need to be quick before the situation is over, you're found missing and they send out the dogs._

Which car? And how the hell am I supposed to get one? It's not as if anyone leaves their car door unlocked and their key in the ignition.

_Silver Honda next to the black Tundra and the red BMW._

You're kidding. What idiot left their door open?

_The key is in the zippered pencil pouch in the glove compartment._

Seriously. Who's car am I "commandeering".

_Dr. Lee. The man may be a genius but he has serious problems about remembering the mundane details. He'd forget his keys otherwise._

I'm not exactly overjoyed at this prospect. What if I get pulled over? I don't exactly have a license.

_No one will notice his car missing until he leaves which won't be for hours. That is,as long asyou're not discovered missing for awhile. Which might take awhile considering that I had you remove the bugs from your clothing. When they do they'll probably do a base wide search and it won't be some time until they realize you actually made it out. Hopefully we'll have ditched the car by then._

And I was actually starting to like those guys. If I weren't such a pragmatist I would've ditched the clothing. Just imagining them going through my things…Well, here's hoping I don't get pulled over. Where am I going anyway?

_You'll need whatever money you have left._

Can't they trace me if I make a withdrawal?

_Yes. But if we time this right you'll have the money and be gone before they notice._

Then…Lord please guide me and keep me safe.

_Amen._

* * *

_Stop here._

Why?

_Just park._

Now what?

_Get out and walk around the corner. There's a garage sale._

A garage sale?

_Just do it._

How can I buy anything? I have no money.

_Inside of the pencil pouch. Lee has a hundred dollar emergency fund._

Sweet.

Now what?

_Grab the black duffel._

What else?

_That tube of lipstick._

Eww. Used lipstick.

_Suck it up. You can't go into a store, they have cameras._

All right. Is that it?

_Look into the orange bin._

What am I looking for exactly?

_That black pencil skirt._

Whoa. It actually looks like it fits.

_The long coat and the flats._

Anything else?

_The white shirt obviously. And that blue leash and collar set._

Leash? Never mind. I don't wanna know.

"That will be fifty four dollars. My sister's things, she left them here before she moved to Florida. Silly brat wanted a whole new wardrobe."

I handed her three twenties, took my change and left.

_Go in here._

Are you crazy? There's a 'Beware of Dog' sign.

_They're on vacation. The dog's in a kennel._

_Now go behind those bushes and change. No one will see you._

What look are you going for exactly?

_Hush. Leave the coat off. Pull down your hair, take off your glasses and apply the lipstick. Put your stuff in the duffel._

You know I'm not going to look any older. Besides, I do need the glasses to drive.

_The clothing is superficial. You have to walk and act differently. Shoulders back and a slight sway in your hips._

You're insane.

_Look sweetie, you may have some pounds of flab but you have definitely got big boobs and wide hips. Not to mention a big butt. If they get the attention then your face won't. So suck it in!_

…

_Aww…you're blushing._

Shut up.

Where am I going now?

_First of all, put all your belongings in the duffel. Now drive three streets over._

What now?

_Pull over._

Again?

_Look ahead._

I'll get the leash and collar.

_He won't bite._

I'm surprised he hasn't been picked up yet. No collar but he is a lovely golden retriever. Looks expensive.

_His name is Homer._

"Hello Homer," I murmured as I collared and leashed the complacent dog, his tail wagged violently and he licked my face.

"Stoppit Homer! What kind of person names a beauty like you Homer anyways? No account for taste."

_And what would you have named him?_

Helios, Hyperion, Apollo or Cerberus. (5) Aurelius maybe…no Aureus.

_How pagan of you._

What? Should I name him Lucifer?

_Just get him into the car._

Can do.

_Now, on to the nearest ATM._

* * *

Perhaps it was premeditated, maybe even celestially designed, whatever the case it was during a meeting between SG-1, 3 and General Landry that the nondescript Airman entered with the pressing news. 

"Airman?" General Landry said nothing else but his tone conveyed multiple messages; prominent among them was annoyance and the urging that whatever it was had better be important for the airman's sake.

"Sir, the subject known as Cindy Cardenas has escaped."

A pause.

A moment of pure and complete silence before the room descended into chaotic questions.

"Since when has she been missing!" Landry's thunderous bellow quieted them.

"Adams, her guard, returned her to her assigned room after lunch and she had not been seen since. The situation occurred and it was not until dinner that Richardson entered the room only to find that she was not in residence."

"Get search teams together, I want this base searched from top to bottom then again from bottom to top," he ordered.

Mitchell nodded and motioned for Teal'c and SG-3 to follow him from the room.

"Col. Carter, how likely is it that she actually left the base?"

"Not very likely sir, if she is a normal human girl like her test results suggest."

"Then go to our surveillance system and find where she went," he instructed.

She exited to do so.

"Don't say it," Landry warned as he saw that Jackson was going to make a comment. "Help Mitchell or Carter. I have a phone call to make."

"Sir?" Hernandez, the unfortunate airman,almst winced at the glare he was receiving. Damn Richardson for pulling rank and making him deliver the news to the general.

"She left a note," he fled as soon as he was dismissed.

Daniel prepared to make a comment, thought better of it when he was targeted by Landry's glare and instead decided tomake a tactical retreat. He had learned something working almost a decade with the military.

Landry groaned as he read the note, "I did warn the President."

He had a call to make.

* * *

"What do you have?" Landry questioned.

"We have her returning from lunch and entering her room at 11h49. The entirety of the incident with Khalek began at 0900 and did not end until 1900. During that time, surveillance was randomly affected; the longest of these period was at 1300 when, we believe was when Cardenas made her escape," Carter informed the gathered group soberly.

"Nothing else? Anything at all to indicate how a nineteen year old college freshman escaped from a heavily secured government facility!"

"She emptied out the account General O'Neill set up for her at 16h24. Mitchell and a team went to search the area where the withdrawal was made," she was halted from continuing by the phone.

"Landry," the general answered curtly. "You're sure? How?…You're serious?" He hung up.

"It seems that Ms. Cardenas made away with Dr. Lee's car," he notified his listeners.

"How is that possible?" Daniel mused.

"It seems that Dr. Lee left the door open and the key in the glove compartment," Landry replied scathingly.

The group exchanged disbelieving and bewildered glances.

"How was she able to ascertain that Dr. Lee's vehicle would be so easily accessible?" Teal'c inquired.

"She checked every single car?" Daniel quipped.

"We have a day people," he continued at their questioning looks, "Then the NID takes over the search and she becomes their problem."

* * *

"Give me something." Landry ordered.

"Well you can tell Dr. Lee that he can drive home tonight."

"You found the car?"

"We found the car."

"Was she in it?"

"That's a negative. Though..."

"What?"

"She left aletter sir."

"A letter."

"Well...letters. Plural."

"And they were addressed to?"

"Myself, Dr. Jackson, Dr. Lee, General O'Neill, Airmen Adams and Richardson and Dr. Taylor."

"Anything else? Do you have any other lead?"

"No...the trail's stone cold. I think she wanted the car to be found."

"Why is that?"

"She parked in front of a fire hydrant sir."

"Get back to base."

* * *

_Well, you're on your own now._

Now? Why now? C'mon, without you I'll be caught in minutes.

_Hey, free will. I can't make all your decisions for you._

How about I make the free choice to listen to your wisdom and glide through this ordeal?

_How about no?_

Meanie.

Sara?

Okay. I'm alone. Wonderful.

I need to find the yellow pages. I have a hankering for some Korean BBQ.

A whine caught my attention.

"But I guess I should feed you first huhHomer? Poor baby. I wonder how long you've been without food. But what can I get you? I don't think a store will let you in with me and I don't want to leave you by yourself, you're too pretty by half…"

Hmmm…

"C'mon Homer let's go to the park."

* * *

Mmmm. Hot dogs.

It's not tofu but I'm starved and so is Homer.

"You shouldn't feed him junk," I looked up to see a teen who looked just about my age.

"Well, I don't have anything else to give him. I just found him today and decided to come to the closest park and see if anyone recognized him," I answered quickly without mentioning anything about using him as a decoy to fake-out the USAF.

"Well I'm glad you did. Homer went missing yesterday," he grinned. Cute guy. Familiar somehow.

"Got any proof?"

He arched an eyebrow, "Beyond the fact that he's almost humping my leg in happiness?"

True, Homer was wagging away like crazy.

"Ah well. Whether he's yours or not you're welcome to the little brat. Much too hyper for my tastes. I'm Cindy." I greeted as I handed him the leash.

"Jah…onathan."

Now I know where I've seen those smirking brown eyes.

"O'Neill?" The word slipped out before I could stop it.

Brown eyes weren't so twinkly now. More like chips of ice.

Shit.

I bolted.

I was lucky enough to make it a couple feet. Flats are not conducive to a quick get away.

Bastard tackled me.

Then he started tickling me. "Hah! Tickle attack! You know you can't run from me Cindy!" He was grinning and speaking in a teasing manner but his eyes were serious. No one noticed anything out of the ordinary.

I can't believe Sara did this to me! She knew! She led me to Homer (the name makes so much sense with Jack's _The Simpson's_ obsession)! When I get my hands on her…

"Let's go home," he ground out sweetly.

"Don't forget my stuff!" I called loudly.

He glared and helped me up, grasping my wrist tightly, handing me Homer's leash and shouldering my duffel.

"Who are you?" he hissed.

"I'm Cindy Cardenas you prick," I countered.

"Who sent you?"

"The voice in my head! Who do you think? No one sent me!"

"Don't lie to me," he growled.

He had led me to an isolated trail. Lots of trees.

"Talk," he ordered.

"Look, some crazy higher being decided to screw with my life and dump me in the middle of the gate room of the SGC where I then saved Daniel's bacon and became the SGC pet. I got tired of it and escaped. I found the damned dog and came to the park for some food and was thinking about how I could get away from this center of insanity without being caught when you came up to **me**!"

He was searching me, "You're lying. And telling me a story full of crap. Otherwise how the hell would you know who I am!"

Little…grr!

"I met the General! _He_ was cool! He made me his apprentice! Besides, hello alternate realities, I know what happened years ago when Loki decided to play! Now let me go!" I tugged at his arm and lost my footing when nothing gave.

I was going down and taking him with me.

A familiar feeling swept threw me as I was falling and it only registered as I hit hard marble instead of soft dirt where I'd felt that before.

I looked up, into mini-Jack's slightly dazed eyes.

"What the hell?" he hissed as he scrambled up.

I pulled myself up as Homer started to lick my face again.

We had landed right in front of a throne where a serious looking man, the king no doubt as identified by the expensive looking crown,was glaring down at us. Flanking him on his right was an attractive looking man with raven hair, blue eyes and cool looking armor. At his left was a lovely looking woman, the Queen if her matching crown was anything to go by. It was all very medieval, "King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table" looking. Except there were no knights...no wait...there they are, pointing pointy spears at us. But there's no roundtable. Just a rectangular one.

Well shit.

"Where are we!" Jack questioned.

I ignored him.

"Oh god…why me?"

* * *

The End

* * *

Wow. I'm really late aren't I? Forgive me? I offer this chapter unto the masses in appeal for absolution. (laughs). I told you guys the end was near. I just didn't say how near. Mostly because I myself didn't know. I can't get over how short his is. I mean, it's the end! I jam packed this chapter with stuff…well not really me but Sara and Cindy really wanted away from the Stargate universe, they felt superfluous. Poor babies. I kind of felt that the last parts, with Landry and SG-1 were sort of forced, I can't do military protocol; I'm sorry. Please tell me if I succeeded in any manner. If not, tell me how wrong I am and why. 

Well, next is either a pseuso-espistle companion fic to _Why Me? _where I write out all the letters/notes that I mention in this chapter or some short one-shot companion pieces to _Why Me_? that your reviews generated. Maybe both?

Be on the look out for the teaser of _Why Me?'s _sequel which I will tentatively be titling _Oh For Cryin' Out Loud! _Which has yet to be outlined or even considered.

Remember, reviews not only make me happy but guilty (and guilt is a wonderful motivator). I love reviews they show me you care. If people care then I care, my muse cares and she will make sure that Cindy, Mini-Jack and Sara will have adventures this summer.

* * *

(1) Tofu…Soon tofu. An Asian soup (Korean my friend tells me) with tofu and any kind of goodies…I prefer beef, mildly spicy. And the beef bulgogi (or boolgoki I think) is just thinly sliced barbequed beef. If any of you come across this I recommend you try it. Very delish. The garbi ribs aren't bad either. But find a nice place, not too expensive. Anyone in S. Cali should try Um's Tofu House in Torrance. They give you soooo many yummy appetizers. 

(2)Shakespeare's _Macbeth._

(3) Big Brother. You know? George Orwell's _1984_?

(4) Faith and Xander from BtVS.

(5) Jack Sparrow. Not Jack O'Neill. Ack POTC:DMC is almost out! Squee!

(6) Helios, Hyperion and Apollo were Sun deities in mythology. Cerberus was the three headed watch dog that guarded the entrance into the Underworld. Think of Fluffy in _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_. Aurelius and Aureus, their meanings have to do with gold.

* * *

Glorfirien

* * *


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